Open Letter to The Tri-parish

By: Larry Hyatt.


Recently I celebrated the 31st anniversary of me leaving my boyhood home to “try” and find my fortune. I remember thinking I was moving to the "Try-Parish,” to give it a whirl, and like many my stay was not to be extended. My stint was going to be nine short months.

In my New Orleans’ suburban driveway I said, “I’m going to be OK mom, I’m only going down there to learn the radio business. I’m coming back, I swear. I’m going to be the next Walton and Johnson.”

Not knowing who they were and a bit confused, she put her hand on my shoulder and asked, “Is that two people, son? There’s only one of you.” Then, she rolled her eyes.

That didn’t stop me.

I jumped into a just bought, beat up Chevy Impala with a side swipe so bad you couldn’t open either door on the passenger side. I kid you not. The entire right side was crushed shut. It was $500.00 and it leaked like a sieve. When it rained the windshield wipers pushed the water up to the crease where the glass meets the metal. With each swipe water would fall on my lap. Friends would eventually ride in the back seat with an open umbrella.

That night I started on KJIN-1490AM, when a show called the “Swap Shop” was the number one rated show. Back then each small town had its own radio station and disc jockeys were always in the building. The music couldn’t play on its own.

Driving down to Houma I had it all planned, every step, every move, learn the business, go back home, get a radio job and be a radio star. But Tri-Parish, you ruined it. You ruined everything.

From the very beginning, that very first night, you opened your arms and rapped them around me hugging so tight I just couldn’t shake you. With each passing month your grip got stronger. I tried to stay my distance, keep my head down, lifting it only to push you away, but over and over again you kept telling me of your history, showing your love of family, and laughing out loud. My god, the laughter was deafening. Never before had I laughed so hard. And the clincher, you weren’t afraid to be seen having a good time. You always acted as if no one’s looking. I heard, “If deh gonna talk, deh gonna talk. What I’m gonna do, me.”

How dare you change the lives of those just passing through?

Through the years I’ve known many you’ve changed or perhaps enlightened. We’ve come from all across the country, oilfield men and their families, teachers, students, transplants and their spouses, all not knowing that here in Cajun Country is where one might find room and once rooted, could get caught up in what I now know, is heritage.

Or possibly you’re a conspirator. You’ve learned that if we, “TRY-Parish” we will linger longer, be loved, and learn how life can be led in a place that knows what it is like to live life to the fullest. Your ancestors were driven out of their home. Maybe it’s hardwired. You don’t want others to feel unloved.

It’s quite remarkable how life works out, or doesn’t, taking us on a path with the family we’re born into, people we’re lucky enough to meet, decisions we make, or indecisions we’re fortunate enough to have.

“Damn it! This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m going to leave you, I swear, tomorrow.”

Dueling Divas

By Larry Hyatt


London, England: In an unprecedented attempt to seem once again relevant and garner more publicity after exposing her nipple and baring her butt on stage, Madonna has agreed to let bygones be by gone… days gone by, and embrace Lady Gaga as the superstar talent she is. The Madonna/Gaga tour is in now the works.

Breast falls to the floor.

After putting her breast rightfully back in her bra following an exposure incident at a concert in Istanbul, Madonna damaged more concert goers’ eyes by exposing her bare buttocks to the concert crowd in London. In an English accent, not understandable to English born citizens, Madonna praised Lady Gaga but stated she will not go so far as to wear a meat dress at the upcoming America shows as Gaga did. Rumors are swirling that Madonna has indeed tapped Chef Rachel Ray to design a rip off of a Versace design involving soup and salad.

Lady Gaga-just gaga.

Upon hearing the Material Girls’ kudos, Lady Gaga was quoted as saying, “To be accused of stealing someone’s shtick, then having them verify my place in pop culture is enough to make me want to steal more. Besides, she stole too. There are only eight notes in a musical scale and she’s used them all as well.”

The butler really did it this time.

“Good God almighty” and “For Christ’s sake” are words I remember from my childhood. My Irish/Catholic mother used them quite often to express shock and delirium. So, when she heard the Pope’s butler recently started exposing Vatican secrets she went into Novena mode. She would have done a “Way of the Cross” but she was saving that till she knew what the butler said.


What we know so far.

When you go to kiss the Pope’s ring he can make it squirt water.

When the Pope flys from country to country his hat can be used as a flotation device.

The Pope Mobile has a smoking section.

St. Peter’s Square was originally designed as parallelogram.

The Pope's staff really belonged to Claude.

When the Pope kisses the ground he’s showing reverence to that country and its people, while spitting out the in flight food.

I can hear my mom already.

Space Shuttle Enterprise Found on Blocks

By: Larry Hyatt

NEW YORK, NY- “Enterprise” the space shuttle that is to become a museum exhibit was discovered on concrete blocks this morning outside its resting place in New York City, stripped like a automobile, presumably by teens caught up in the excitement of having a piece of Americana. Gone were the wheels, seventy-five percent of the heat panels, and most of the experiments. One teen, who wishes to remain anonymous said, “You think it wooed the crowd when it flew over the city, you should have heard ‘em when we stripped that Mo-Fo in fifteen minutes. It was a work of art, man…so was the shuttle…that sucka was big.”

Kareem Ali-Ja-Wawa, the man placed in charge of watching the spacecraft said,

“I only turned my attention away for a second. I got hungry. Even in prison we got lunch.”

NASA officials have stated that they will rebuild Enterprise with parts from the shuttle Discovery and the larger pieces recovered at the scene. One NYPD spokesman said they are in control, “We are on top of it. That stolen nuclear experiment that explores Black Holes, we found that in a Starbucks.”

OBAMA TO TAP BAPTIST FOR SECRET SERVICE

By Larry Hyatt

WASHINGTON. With the President’s Secret Service now having stricter guidelines amidst the Cartagena incident, President Obama’s team has wrapped its arms around the Hooker-Gate scandal and will now use Baptist to fill the holes left by resigning Secrets Service members.

President Obama, in his enthusiasm was quoted as saying, “We need men to fill openings who won’t try to fill an opening, men in positions who are not prone to get in positions, men who get their groove on without getting a groove on. You know what I mean? ”

Aguilera “Boom Boom” Martini, spokesperson for the Cartagena council, welcomes the new regulations. “People don’t realize how hard it gets, working with government officials. Hopefully, now, I won’t have to pretend I’m not dancing.”

The Obama administration does expect only a few to apply and one unnamed official stated, “When given a chance to serve our country, our fellow men and women, and the world population as a whole, its change we can believe in.”

Say it isn't so

It’s Sunday, 11:30am and I’m compelled to make a confession. I never watch Reality TV so if you tell anyone- I kill you. I will go to your house and beat you senseless, cut off your head then kill you. I’m going to be bold, like wearing white after Labor Day or wearing socks with sandals, declaring only to followers because I think you know the true me.
I watch “Say Yes to the Dress.”
It hooked me from the first credits. The beauty of that special day along with romance and fashion, yet reeking of family conflict, shaken not stirred, friends, in-laws, loved and hated, combined with a huge monetary component, often someone else’s money, for something some of the brides have yearned years, even decades to have, some spiteful, willing to sell out a friend in a heartbeat in the name of love makes me want to grab a beer and kick back in my Lazy-Boy. Throw in the editing and production staff that are willing to manipulate people’s emotions for their own gain and it is reality television at its best.
I await, ready to answer out loud for the bride when they’re asked the big question, as if asked to marry all over again, “So, tell me, what will it be? Are you saying yes to the dress?” “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
 OMG, I got to go. It’s coming on again. It’s an episode with a drag queen bridesmaid.
I may never watch the NFL Pre-game again.

You Never Know

The sun was peaking over the line of trees and behind her left shoulder. We were in a restaurant, a morning first date, after the sex, discussing the neighbors’ kid’s playhouse. The place wasn’t much, a Waffle House. The sex and the playhouse- cool, very cool.
We were laughing about how the hell our drunken selves could get to the second floor of something out of Sesame Street. It didn’t have stairs. We had to climb up a ladder through a hole in the floor. I remember her saying something about firemen. I remember thinking, “This woman is going to get hosed.”
“So Jaycee, what do you like to do? What are you into?” I asked.
“I mostly go to work and raise my kids. It keeps me pretty busy, how about you?”
“Hmmm, let’s see, what am I into?” I contemplated. “I like current events. I do like to know what’s going on around me. I’m fairly political.”
“Oh, I never watch news.”
“Well, I also like history. If walls could talk I say. I like to imagine living in the past and seeing antiques and wonder who used them, or try to figure out how this world got to this point.”
“Good Lord, History was my worst subject in school. I hated it. I never could see having to know all that stuff.”
“I’m a Star Wars person. Not a freak about it but it did get me to start sitting in the front at the movie theatre. I thought it was cool to watch those space ships travel all the way across the screen and explode really big, right in front of me.”
“Science Fiction, no, that’s not my thing either.”
I thought, good God, this woman doesn’t care about the past, the present or the future. So, I married her.