Where Do Tomatoes Come From?

Talia, our 5 year old granddaughter/daughter, was playing outside in the pool pretending she was cooking. My wife was close by keeping an eye on her when Talia asked a question.

Talia: Hey Mommy, where does tomato sauce come from?
Wife: It comes from tomatoes.
Talia: Where does tomatoes come from?
Wife: From the dirt. They grow.
Talia: Well, where does the dirt come from?
Wife: (Seeing where this is going)I don't know, Talia. It comes from the ground. God makes it. He makes everything.
Talia: Then why didn't he just make the tomato sauce?

I think she's going to be alright.

A Terrible Business Man.

The bio on this blog says I suck as a businessman but the gentleman, who recently had me look again into the pain, doesn’t read my blog. He’s a fellow media person, a sports writer with a sports related magazine. I met him when I hosted a sports related television show. Our conversation went like this:

“Larry, I have a great business opportunity for you. Just give me twelve minutes of your time.”

“It’s just that I’m not a good sales person,” I stressed. “I’ve tried it over and over again. I just don’t like it.”

“Hey, I don’t like selling either. That’s why I do this. Let me drop off a DVD at the station.”

“OK, I’ll take a look.”

And I did, because every time I left the media, entertainment, or creative part of my life it was to make plenty of money. That’s what I’ve never had in my life. (Luckily, my wife doesn’t spend money. She’s tighter than two coats of paint.)

My friend had a great product, a new one which made me mad at myself for not taking him up on the offer but I’ve come to this conclusion. I’m tired of trying to convince people to do something.
I’m what you call a buyer’s sales person. Everyone gets a deal and forget about haggling. I seem to cave and give them money to take it off my hands.

Believe me, I wasn’t this way as a kid. I sold flower seeds to save enough money to buy a BB gun. After that I baked cakes and went door to door in the neighborhood to raffle it off, had the usual passé lemonade stand, and sold cup cakes out of the front door of my house. Little kids would come knocking at the door, look from side to side, and ask my mother, “Hey Mrs. Hyatt, Larry got any cup cakes?” It was like a drug deal that ended with a sugar high.

What the hell happen to me? That kid is long gone.

Could it be somewhere between wanting money to be happy and needing money to be happy, I lost my drive to go after the money? I can’t be alone?

Good Lord, how can a person who sucks at selling, sell themselves?

Larry's Latest Laughes

The world’s first witchcraft café has opened to serve love spells, black magic, and potions. “Uh, excuse me, Miss. There’s an eye in my soup.”

Two rival self driving cars almost collided in California. Their features allowed both to text obscene messages.

Researchers in the Netherlands were amazed when a chimpanzee rattled off a drum solo and linked it to human’s music ability. Researchers however were then disappointed when he ripped open the drum to see where the sound was coming from.

I bought that new technology that allows me to change the TV channel with my mind. All I keep doing is flushing all the toilets.

In three years food sold in the U.S. will be free of trans fat. Aren’t we supposed to except trans fat?

Donald Trump threw his hair into the presidential ring and stated that it is actual hair, but it identifies itself as a wombat.

Father's Day 2015

By: Larry Hyatt
Sung to the tune “Cats in the Cradle.”

My father died on a cloudy day.

He always wondered why he went astray.
He was young and scared and he never knew
When life throws curves you can see it through.
So he took off to see
What he'd find in the sky
Not knowing what’s missing inside.
Something was missing inside….

And,

Weekends were special and I had to learn
How missing a father makes little boys yearn.
To fill that heart they’ll turn other ways
To seek that something they crave.
To find a love
That they crave.

He’s long since been gone, my life it sure has changed.

I’ve come to grips with so many blames.
I got bills to pay and places to see
I bounce a little girl upon my knee.
And I think of my dad and the gleam in her eyes
She says, “Daddy, say again, I’m your prize. Please say it again, I’m your prize.”

And as her words rang true it occurred to me.

My father enlightened me.
He taught me how not to be he.

And,

Weekends were special and I had to learn
How missing a father makes little boys yearn.
To fill their heart they’ll turn other ways
To seek that something they crave.
To find the love
That they crave.

Be there for your children and not just there, nurture.

 

Chimps Get What They Want

            Washington, DC: In a new report from The US Fish and Wildlife Service, captive chimps will get major new changes from medical researchers.  
             A group of chimpanzees, calling themselves “The Spunky Monkeys,” got their wish by formally complaining about the pay discrepancy between the ranks in medical marijuana and breeding research, and other monkeys forced through procedures that probe the prostate. 
            “We just didn’t think it was right,” said Thumbs, a chimp from the prostate group looking to get at least $50 an hour. “Those monkeys are getting high every day, I mean really high, enjoying what researchers call ‘companionship.’ We call it something else, not to mention the food they eat. You run up that cold metal rod and see if you wouldn't want what the stoners are getting.”  
            Some medical researchers don’t welcome the changes saying this isn’t what monkeys are supposed to do for the rest of their lives. Doctor Paige Turner, top researcher at the Monkey See, Monkey Do Research Facility, said, “Young primates need to learn a skill and move on to better paying jobs like the circus or becoming a You Tube sensation, and what about the lost art of taking people’s money for an organ grinder?”
            Thumbs, the chimp from the prostate group went on to say, “I know everyone can’t start at the top but I should get compensated if they’re gonna start with my bottom.”
            The new pay increase goes in effect in July.

Larry's Latest Laughs

Me: Hey Honey, The FDA has recommended approval of "female Viagra."
Wife: Wait a minute. Someone invented a pill that cleans the house, washes clothes, and rubs my feet when I get home from work?

The Charlie Charlie Challenge is a twitter craze taking over social media. Kids everywhere are trying to summon a Mexican Demon. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with that burrito I ate for lunch.

A study has found chimps have the mental skills to cook. School children across America say it's better than Michelle's lunch program.

A movement is underway to prohibit lengthy breath holding underwater in public pools. The government passed a policy. Swimmers in the USA are now required to grow gills.

My self driving car came home after an accident and blamed it on a hit and run. I don't know if I should believe it.

Preschool Commencement Address

         “Who’s the commencement speaker?” I asked my wife on the way to my granddaughter’s preschool graduation. She smiled and rolled her eyes. It made me think that if I get asked when Talia graduates from kindergarten, I had better be ready.
           I imagined myself taking the podium, looking over the crowd, and seeing the happy family members half smiling back. In my mind I place my papers down, look up, and begin in an uplifting manner.
          
            Good evening parents… grandparents… family and friends… and especially you, our graduates. Congratulations, you have reached this joyous occasion through long grueling days of Play-Doh, paste, and Playground. You have every right to be proud of yourself.

            Months ago you timidly climbed the steps to the slide, nervously moved on to the greater heights of the monkey bars, then proudly reached, ever so higher to the tippy top of the castle, taking your blankey to places that were literally, and I mean literally, out of reach just years before.  

            As you looked out over the school yard you thought, shucks, I’d rather be home playing X-Box, but through your perseverance you unwittingly formed a foundation, a foundation for a new you and new way of thinking. You now know, everything is not yours, the tags on your clothes go to the back, and crying only sometimes helps because adults can still use force when no one’s looking.

            You see, Graduates, your parents are thinkers, go getters. With their sense of responsibility they smartly opened up their wallets so you can get a head start on learning life’s rules. The rules that your teachers, through clinched teeth taught, “Keep your hands to yourself,” “Play fair,” and “Don’t run with that stick.” And now, the rule you’re just about to figure out on your own, “Having a little bit of money can’t hurt.”

            Now, Graduates, I’d like to speak to your parents for a moment for they are about to live for the first time, or possibly relive an excursion into mandatory school life.

            Parents… look at your little darlings up here in their cute little caps and gowns, smiling back, some with their hats too low to their eyes, waving at you with complete abandon because they don’t care where they are. They’re perfect little angels aren’t they? It’s the same way they act with you at home isn’t it?

            They notice you and the love they have for you makes them react, to tell you they love you. They say it by waving proudly, calling, “Hey Mom!”, or “Hey Dad!” They want you to see them. They feel safe when they know you’re watching. Take a look…Now, look around you…Now, feel this building and the presence of others who have children here. Older brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, remember that you are here, too. Thank you for taking part in your family’s history and when these new personalities started to form. You are here for them, as fate gently pushes them into the game of life.

            Soon, they will be asked to play.
           
            Some will play first string. Others will have to work harder and develop skills that are unique to the team. But all will participate.
            Although, he or she won’t always know exactly what position is best for them, you should use your expertise to nudge them into the direction you want. And, there will come a time when they have to decide on their own. Support that decision.

            Of course you have some time. Right now all they want to be is Princesses, Ninja Turtles, and Santa. I heard the other day about a little girl who said when she grows up; she wants to be a twin.

            They will grow up and as they do, love them with all your heart.

            Sadly, my mother wasn’t lucky. She had a son who wouldn’t shut up.
           “Yes, Larry,” she would tiredly say. “What is it now, Larry,” she moaned. “We don’t have a Teddy Bear, Larry”… “Larry, here, sleep with this rubber chicken.”

            But she took me to shows and voice lessons, piano lessons and guitar lessons until I figured out my path. She was right. It was in the arts.

            In a book I wrote I delve into how people take different paths for success, the twists and turns and the forks in the road one navigates to move forward, to mature, and to prosper. I’ve found I’m at my weakest when I leave the arts to find my fortune. I write “The only luxury I’ve never been afforded was the luxury of having luxury.” Money isn’t everything. Happiness in your heart is success.

             These kids in the next few years will be finding out things about their young selves that will direct them toward being a happier child and to things that are challenging that will test their inner strength. Let them know once again that the game of life doesn’t always play by the rules. Once again, love them with all your heart and they will learn through your example.

            I beg you to take your child places and when there, explain what’s all around them. If all you have time and money for is to take them for a simple walk downtown. There is a whole lot of history you can tell them about. Take them to see the ducks, festivals, or fishing on the side the road. Just take them. Time waits for no one.

            In closing, I’d like to do the parents a favor and give the graduates some tips to take through the next year. It might stick. I figured I’d try.

            Kids… when you’re at the LSU Football game and everyone is yelling, Charge! Charge! Charge! Do not look up at daddy and say, “You know that’s how mommy got the new furniture after I heard you say not to.”

            Kids, when the family is over at Christmas and your grandfather smiles for the pictures, do not yell out, “Gee, Paw Paw the tooth fairly must have given you a lot of money. You don’t have any teeth.”

            Kids, when in the store at the checkout counter, do not tell the clerk, “I’m only getting this present because daddy says it will shut me up.”

            And, kids, when your family has guests over and one mentions you have a lovely couch, do not ever say, "We know, that’s because daddy ends up sleeping there a lot.”

           Thank you and remember, life for you and your family starts right here, in your heart.