Three things I discovered on a Carnival Cruise.
* I wish everyone in everyday life treated me like the staff did.
* Without cell phone service, people walk with their head upright and teenagers will actually laugh with you.
* There is no shame on the Lido Deck. It's Walmart in a swimsuit.
Yesterday was National Lazy Day so today we're giving out the prizes.
You know you're being lazy when you push the garbage down with your hand for the 5th time.
A mutant 'Super Lice' outbreak is spreading and parents are being warned for the back to school season. Officials claim they are easy to find. There's just one and it covers the entire head.
Today is Watermelon Day!
Stay in a good frame of rind.
Mercedes-Benz now has a self driving bus. A nice way to get to your low paying job.
Geologists in Sweden have found what they call the first-ever “extinct” meteorites buried within a 470-million-year old limestone slab. They’re calling them Abba-Dabba-Doom-Rocks.
A 94-year-old man from Indiana is now the oldest person to ever earn a sixth degree black belt. When asked how he felt, he said, “Karate? I thought they said Karaoke!"
Scientists unearthed a trove of 700-year-old stone tools used by monkeys... all monkey wrenches
A South California man was arrested after his dog tested positive for Meth. The tip off was when the dog "did" everybody's homework.
I don't have a problem with police robots. Use sponsor logos like NASCAR...Ford, Goodyear, Krispy Kreme.
Today is World Population Day!
Moms and Dads did it.
PBS has apologized for last night's Fourth of July broadcast that used previous years’ fireworks footage. I thought I noticed the outdated “oohs” and “ahhs.”
The 'Clock boy' Ahmed Mohamed, the boy who made the homemade clock that school officials said looked like a bomb, returned to Texas. He said he wants to join the Neighborhood Watch Program.
Parts of a mutilated body washed up on the sands of Copacabana Beach in Rio, Wednesday, police said, "His name was Rico. He wore a diamond."
Today is Camera Day!
If you take a picture of cheese, tell it to say Velveeta.
A Texas woman woke up with a British accent after jaw surgery. Doctors say it's a rare disorder called Receptive-Schizoid-Bipolar-Madonna Speech.
Today is National French Fries Day!
"The skin must peel before the potato can fry."
-Alfred Lord Cooking Oil
I drove the Country Cruiser in the parade yesterday.
Little Boy: Hey! Are there any floats back there?
Me: Yeah! They're coming!
Little Boy: Are they throwing firecrackers?
The little kid might be on to something.
Father's Day I honored my dad. I let my kid leave the front door open so I could air-condition the neighborhood.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #610
Last night I had a dream. I fell into a gorilla enclosure and they couldn't decide who to shoot.
A heart transplant patient, for 17 months, carried his heart around in a backpack. Through the marriage my ex-wife carried hers in an ice-chest.
A bicycle theft in a Walmart parking lot was foiled when a cattle rancher on horseback chased the thief down and lassoed him. An eye witness said the cowboy hog tied the guy’s legs, raised his hands, and yelled “Schwinn.”
Tomorrow, Wicca, the religious cult of modern witchcraft will call attention to 6-6-16. To protect myself I'm going to spend the day in one of their baskets.
Donald Trump has narrowed the VP field down to five. On the short list...Chewbacca Mom.
Another Disney worker went on a booze-fueled rampage. They're now going to make them get in line to do that.
PGA Tour golfer pulled out of a tournament because of "incredible anxiety." Like the time I stepped up to make a shot and the ducks in the park put on crash helmets.
In Wales, a group of sheep went on a rampage after ingesting cannabis. I guess it was a "Baaad" trip.
Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of Greek philosopher Aristotle. Written on the wall was his last great quote... "Life Sucks - Then You Die."
A heart transplant patient, for 17 months, carried his heart around in a backpack. Through the marriage my ex-wife carried hers in an ice-chest.
A bicycle theft in a Walmart parking lot was foiled when a cattle rancher on horseback chased the thief down and lassoed him. An eye witness said the cowboy hog tied the guy’s legs, raised his hands, and yelled “Schwinn.”
Tomorrow, Wicca, the religious cult of modern witchcraft will call attention to 6-6-16. To protect myself I'm going to spend the day in one of their baskets.
Donald Trump has narrowed the VP field down to five. On the short list...Chewbacca Mom.
Another Disney worker went on a booze-fueled rampage. They're now going to make them get in line to do that.
PGA Tour golfer pulled out of a tournament because of "incredible anxiety." Like the time I stepped up to make a shot and the ducks in the park put on crash helmets.
In Wales, a group of sheep went on a rampage after ingesting cannabis. I guess it was a "Baaad" trip.
Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of Greek philosopher Aristotle. Written on the wall was his last great quote... "Life Sucks - Then You Die."
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #516
Congratulations to the lovely couple. I just heard Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his girlfriend had a new baby buoy.
Iran has accused Kim Kardashian of being a secret agent to bring down their culture. Her code name is "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."
Astrological eating will be the next big food fad. People who have tried the diet say Centaurs taste a lot like chicken.
This morning on C-96.7, we'll talk about a guy in Ireland who swallowed his cell phone. I'll let you know how it worked out.
Happy Accounting Day!
I once received a love poem from an accountant. It started, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."
A small robot doctor, in a pill, can be swallowed and sent on medical missions in the body. The mission is not over till the paper work is done.
Morley Safer is retiring from CBS after 46 years. He said his retirement will come in intervals of sixty minutes.
Today is Windmill Day! Thinking about it makes my head spin.
Ozzy and Sharon Osborne are getting a divorce. Sharon asked for privacy. Ozzy asked for something too, but no one can figure out what he said.
Happy Museum Day!
Tonight have double the fun. See "Night at the Museum" tonight at the museum.
Iran has accused Kim Kardashian of being a secret agent to bring down their culture. Her code name is "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."
Astrological eating will be the next big food fad. People who have tried the diet say Centaurs taste a lot like chicken.
This morning on C-96.7, we'll talk about a guy in Ireland who swallowed his cell phone. I'll let you know how it worked out.
Happy Accounting Day!
I once received a love poem from an accountant. It started, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."
A small robot doctor, in a pill, can be swallowed and sent on medical missions in the body. The mission is not over till the paper work is done.
Morley Safer is retiring from CBS after 46 years. He said his retirement will come in intervals of sixty minutes.
Today is Windmill Day! Thinking about it makes my head spin.
Ozzy and Sharon Osborne are getting a divorce. Sharon asked for privacy. Ozzy asked for something too, but no one can figure out what he said.
Happy Museum Day!
Tonight have double the fun. See "Night at the Museum" tonight at the museum.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #425
Oldest dog in the world dies at 30. The old dog finally learned a new trick, "Stay!"
Happy Earth Day!
Wind farms are in my future. I'm a big fan.
Sophisticated criminals in California are posing as truck drivers to steal large quantities of walnuts. Police think they have the ringleader...Mr. Peanut.
Today is High Five Day!
Low Fives, Giving Skin, and Fist Bumps may resume tomorrow.
Shocking and sad news. What's the symbol for dead?
The Beverly Hills City Council voted this week to adopt a resolution to develop driverless vehicles. Who's going to ask if you have any Grey Poupon?
The new Smart mattress lets you know if your partner is cheating. You can also hook it to your Smart phone and it calls a lawyer.
Today is Tell a Lie Day!
But I can't.
I like big trucks and I can not lie.
Happy Earth Day!
Wind farms are in my future. I'm a big fan.
Sophisticated criminals in California are posing as truck drivers to steal large quantities of walnuts. Police think they have the ringleader...Mr. Peanut.
Today is High Five Day!
Low Fives, Giving Skin, and Fist Bumps may resume tomorrow.
Shocking and sad news. What's the symbol for dead?
The Beverly Hills City Council voted this week to adopt a resolution to develop driverless vehicles. Who's going to ask if you have any Grey Poupon?
The new Smart mattress lets you know if your partner is cheating. You can also hook it to your Smart phone and it calls a lawyer.
Today is Tell a Lie Day!
But I can't.
I like big trucks and I can not lie.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
MEMBER OF THE WEEK (MOW) FO!
4/2/16 – 4/8/16: MEMBER OF THE WEEK (MOW)
What a week it has been! The Rave Reviews Book Club is a group of writers and readers that support each other. There are no airs in this group, just many like you who enjoy the written word and the success of others who share the passion. Thank you Rave Reviews Book Club for the chance to be a part of a great writing community.
Become a part.
https://ravereviewsbynonniejules.wordpress.com/
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #416
Duck Dynasty' star Willie Roberston will join Fox News as a contributor. He's expected to wing it.
I told my wife it was Poison Awareness Week so she asked me not to cook.
The wife and I had Easter dinner at Golden Corral with two of the grand kids. Asked her why she kept making trips to get us all desserts. She said to add steps to her Fitbit.
A 100-year-old woman was booted from her California home for disrupting the neighborhood. Her mother said she just doesn't know what to do with her.
A 78 year old weightlifting grandmother from Illinois can dead lift 225 pounds. When asked what grip she uses she said, "POLIGRIP."
Surgeons saved a Brazilian man's hand from amputation by sewing it into his belly. Now save Trump from putting his foot in his mouth.
Dozens of cases of Burger King 'Whopper' patties were stolen from a delivery truck...After seeing what they had the robbers took the patties out and ate the box.
Three new crew members have joined the International Space Station, including a US grandfather. NASA is moving dinner up to 4pm.
Happy Chocolate Covered Raisin Day!
Give me a raisin to love it.
A puppy frozen in time for 12,400 years was thawed by scientists. In remarkable footage he is separated from a 12,400 year old fire hydrant.
I told my wife it was Poison Awareness Week so she asked me not to cook.
The wife and I had Easter dinner at Golden Corral with two of the grand kids. Asked her why she kept making trips to get us all desserts. She said to add steps to her Fitbit.
A 100-year-old woman was booted from her California home for disrupting the neighborhood. Her mother said she just doesn't know what to do with her.
A 78 year old weightlifting grandmother from Illinois can dead lift 225 pounds. When asked what grip she uses she said, "POLIGRIP."
Surgeons saved a Brazilian man's hand from amputation by sewing it into his belly. Now save Trump from putting his foot in his mouth.
Dozens of cases of Burger King 'Whopper' patties were stolen from a delivery truck...After seeing what they had the robbers took the patties out and ate the box.
Three new crew members have joined the International Space Station, including a US grandfather. NASA is moving dinner up to 4pm.
Happy Chocolate Covered Raisin Day!
Give me a raisin to love it.
A puppy frozen in time for 12,400 years was thawed by scientists. In remarkable footage he is separated from a 12,400 year old fire hydrant.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Larry's Latest Laugh #316
Chumlee from 'Pawn Stars' was arrested in Vegas for a felony weapon and drug charge. While he was being booked Rick called in an expert to see if it was real.
Bernie Sanders won a major ruling allowing 17 year olds to vote in the Ohio Primary... Two thirds texted in votes for Kim Kardashian.
Scientists are growing a dinosaur leg on a chicken in a bizarre experiment of reverse evolution. "I'm trying to perfect a colossal drumstick," said Colonel Frankin Sanders.
Nat Geo star "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Millan was arrested for cruelty to animals. What on Earth was he telling them?
An extremely rare case of twins born with different fathers have been reported after a DNA test was ordered. I think mom has some explaining to do.
Federal authorizes are investigating the deaths of 13 bald eagles discovered Saturday. Glenn Frey had all his hair, huh?
A mysterious radio burst has been pinpointed in a distant galaxy...Critics are telling me to apply for a job.
Bernie Sanders won a major ruling allowing 17 year olds to vote in the Ohio Primary... Two thirds texted in votes for Kim Kardashian.
Scientists are growing a dinosaur leg on a chicken in a bizarre experiment of reverse evolution. "I'm trying to perfect a colossal drumstick," said Colonel Frankin Sanders.
Nat Geo star "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Millan was arrested for cruelty to animals. What on Earth was he telling them?
An extremely rare case of twins born with different fathers have been reported after a DNA test was ordered. I think mom has some explaining to do.
Federal authorizes are investigating the deaths of 13 bald eagles discovered Saturday. Glenn Frey had all his hair, huh?
A mysterious radio burst has been pinpointed in a distant galaxy...Critics are telling me to apply for a job.
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