Larry's Latest Laughs #173

I just pressed my Facebook Year in Review 2016. It showed a homeless guy, pointing at me, laughing.

A new study claims half of people "remember" events that never happened... Another one said wives know what their husband will do before he thinks of it.

I felt old but didn't know why when I put up my Christmas decorations and my grand kids said they were cool, "So turn of the century."

I read a report that says plants learn like humans. What the heck are vegans going to eat now.

After receiving a barrage of criticism, a Japanese skating rink that froze 5,000 dead fish into the ice as an attraction for visitors has been closed. Oh-fish-ally.

A new study claims monkeys DO have the power to talk. Their lack of speech is because they can't stop laughing at us.

and,

Thai prosecutors have charged an influential Buddhist Monk with money laundering a million dollars.
He claimed he wanted to be "one" in a million.
He wanted to become "one" with the tree. The money tree.
He claimed it paid better than sitting around not knowing everything.

Larry latest Laughs #172

Scientists were stunned when two chimps in the wild were seen using twigs as fishing rods. The recording picked up the female chimp telling the male, "This is the only place you ever take me."

Los Angeles now has a DivorceHotel. You check in married and check out divorced in just two days. Celebrities are pooling together to get a group rate.

Research from the US shows that mice who received human blood plasma from teenagers enjoyed better memory, faster speed, and improved brain function. Well, that, and they could text 500 words a minute.

The New Orleans Zephyrs renamed the baseball team to the "Baby Cakes." Should be interesting when they have to "change the pitcher."

Now that the New Orleans Zephyrs are called the Baby Cakes:
When the batter gets a base on balls, it's a "Cake Walk."
They'll now be calling the Short Stop a "Short Cake."
And, for protection, all players on the team must wear a "Cup-cake."

Last night during the blackout in Houma my wife and I lit candles to make it romantic. The people in Rouses didn’t think it was appropriate.

A guy discovered Vincent van Gogh's sketchbook containing 65 drawings from the artist's 'most important years.' His buddy Claude said he had Monet more.

A Florida man was arrested for domestic battery after striking his live-in boyfriend with a cup of ramen noodles. Police said the victim described the assailant as "Poor and pissy."

I voted for President this morning. Walking out I saw a guy in line holding a rock, paper, and scissors.

Television shows that feature robots will now explore legal marriages to the machines. The first three anniversary gifts will be paper, cotton, then WD40.

A video of a man who wrestled with a giant panda bear after breaking into a zoo enclosure in southern China has gone viral. The guy gave the panda a black eye but no one can tell.

The New York Metropolitan canceled an opera after they thought someone sprinkled cremated ashes in the orchestra pit. Probably one of them de-composers.

Larry's Latest Laughs #171

The World Health Organization wants governments to tax sugary drinks to help people who are obese. It's soda-moralizing.

A new dog book backs up the theory that dogs can tell time with their noses. Duh? They call them watch dogs.

On Facebook my past life analysis says I was born yesterday and ain't got a lick of sense.

Ken Bone, the man in the red sweater who went viral after his question at the presidential debate, has come under fire for comments he supposedly made. Looks like the Ken bones connected to the knee-jerk reaction bone.

I've finally went out on a limb and decided who's side I'm on in the presidential election. I'm on your side.

Larry's Latest Laughs #170

Shortly after golfer Arnold Palmer's ceremonial spreading of his ashes in his home town, a beautiful rainbow appeared over Latrobe Country Club. In the distance you could hear St. Peter yell, "Fore!"

A New Jersey man was arrested on long Beach Island Beach for wearing a bathing suit made of plastic wrap. Police said, "By the looks of it, he clearly broke the law."

I thought I was running well in the 5K this morning until a woman passed me up pushing a kid in a stroller. The kid must have been "juice-in.'"

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn't find where the disc landed and the other couldn't remember why they were looking.

The toy company Hasbro has launched a new life-like robotic dog designed to bring companionship and comfort to aging adults. Officials say it's so real, when you rip one you can blame it on the robot.

Larry's Latest Laughs #169

Scientists claim two dolphins have been recorded having a conversation just like people. They argued over which wine goes best with fish.

The Spice Girls are having a reunion tour but Sporty Spice and Posh Spice are two busy. Add Caitlyn Jenner. Call him Old Spice.

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

 A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn't find where the disc landed and the other couldn't remember why they were looking.

Walmart is now working on a self-driving shopping cart. When the wheel starts to wobble it will hobble down the aisle, trailing behind you, making noise.

Now researchers say major earthquakes are caused by the moon? Whose?

Hunters in Iceland found a 1000-year old Viking sword. Scientists claim it's extremely valuable. More so if it was pulled from a stone.

Happy Linguine Day!
If you don't have linguine,
Don't be up-setti.
All it is,
is flat spaghetti....






 

Nice Guys Finish Last

By: Larry Hyatt

            There once was a very nice guy. So nice was he, that his niceness could be calculated, manipulated, and used for devious means.

            Each day on his way home from work a man would stop him and ask for help. And, each day the guy would take the extra time to the point of getting home late. He couldn’t, in his heart, resist. But, unbeknownst to him it was twins taking turns, keeping him from going home so the other could spend time with his wife.

            This went on for fourteen days because after two weeks the twins thought it would be smart to use disguises. They surmised that no one is so extremely nice that they would stop and help the same man every day for two weeks. It worked. The nice guy continued to help and would always get home about an hour late to his wife.

            On the twenty-first day, disguised as someone else, one of the twins lost his fake mustache that was attached to his face. He then became angry at the nice guy because he knew that he’d been caught. "You are stupid! You are an idiot! Why would you let us make a fool out of you?"
             
            “I have to be nice. It is my nature,” said the guy.  “It’s who I am and I can’t resist.”

            “I've never heard of such a thing," said the Twin. "You are absolutely the nicest man I know. I had no idea someone in this devious world could be that loving.”

             “I can’t help myself. I am compelled to do what people ask,” said the nice guy. “But now I must answer your question. I figured out the scheme when you two started wearing the disguises and told my twin brother. For a week now, he's been banging both of your wives.”

Larry's Latest Laughs #168

Three things I discovered on a Carnival Cruise.
* I wish everyone in everyday life treated me like the staff did.
* Without cell phone service, people walk with their head upright and teenagers will actually laugh with you.
* There is no shame on the Lido Deck. It's Walmart in a swimsuit.

Yesterday was National Lazy Day so today we're giving out the prizes.
You know you're being lazy when you push the garbage down with your hand for the 5th time.

A mutant 'Super Lice' outbreak is spreading and parents are being warned for the back to school season. Officials claim they are easy to find. There's just one and it covers the entire head.

Today is Watermelon Day!
Stay in a good frame of rind.

Mercedes-Benz now has a self driving bus. A nice way to get to your low paying job.

Geologists in Sweden have found what they call the first-ever “extinct” meteorites buried within a 470-million-year old limestone slab. They’re calling them Abba-Dabba-Doom-Rocks.

A 94-year-old man from Indiana is now the oldest person to ever earn a sixth degree black belt. When asked how he felt, he said, “Karate? I thought they said Karaoke!"

Scientists unearthed a trove of 700-year-old stone tools used by monkeys... all monkey wrenches

A South California man was arrested after his dog tested positive for Meth. The tip off was when the dog "did" everybody's homework.

I don't have a problem with police robots. Use sponsor logos like NASCAR...Ford, Goodyear, Krispy Kreme.

Today is World Population Day!
Moms and Dads did it.

PBS has apologized for last night's Fourth of July broadcast that used previous years’ fireworks footage. I thought I noticed the outdated “oohs” and “ahhs.”

The 'Clock boy' Ahmed Mohamed, the boy who made the homemade clock that school officials said looked like a bomb, returned to Texas. He said he wants to join the Neighborhood Watch Program.

Parts of a mutilated body washed up on the sands of Copacabana Beach in Rio, Wednesday, police said, "His name was Rico. He wore a diamond."

Today is Camera Day!
If you take a picture of cheese, tell it to say Velveeta.
A Texas woman woke up with a British accent after jaw surgery. Doctors say it's a rare disorder called Receptive-Schizoid-Bipolar-Madonna Speech.

Today is National French Fries Day!
"The skin must peel before the potato can fry."
-Alfred Lord Cooking Oil

I drove the Country Cruiser in the parade yesterday.
Little Boy: Hey! Are there any floats back there?
Me: Yeah! They're coming!
Little Boy: Are they throwing firecrackers?
The little kid might be on to something.

Father's Day I honored my dad. I let my kid leave the front door open so I could air-condition the neighborhood.