Congratulations to the lovely couple. I just heard Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his girlfriend had a new baby buoy.
Iran has accused Kim Kardashian of being a secret agent to bring down their culture. Her code name is "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."
Astrological eating will be the next big food fad. People who have tried the diet say Centaurs taste a lot like chicken.
This morning on C-96.7, we'll talk about a guy in Ireland who swallowed his cell phone. I'll let you know how it worked out.
Happy Accounting Day!
I once received a love poem from an accountant. It started, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."
A small robot doctor, in a pill, can be swallowed and sent on medical missions in the body. The mission is not over till the paper work is done.
Morley Safer is retiring from CBS after 46 years. He said his retirement will come in intervals of sixty minutes.
Today is Windmill Day! Thinking about it makes my head spin.
Ozzy and Sharon Osborne are getting a divorce. Sharon asked for privacy. Ozzy asked for something too, but no one can figure out what he said.
Happy Museum Day!
Tonight have double the fun. See "Night at the Museum" tonight at the museum.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #425
Oldest dog in the world dies at 30. The old dog finally learned a new trick, "Stay!"
Happy Earth Day!
Wind farms are in my future. I'm a big fan.
Sophisticated criminals in California are posing as truck drivers to steal large quantities of walnuts. Police think they have the ringleader...Mr. Peanut.
Today is High Five Day!
Low Fives, Giving Skin, and Fist Bumps may resume tomorrow.
Shocking and sad news. What's the symbol for dead?
The Beverly Hills City Council voted this week to adopt a resolution to develop driverless vehicles. Who's going to ask if you have any Grey Poupon?
The new Smart mattress lets you know if your partner is cheating. You can also hook it to your Smart phone and it calls a lawyer.
Today is Tell a Lie Day!
But I can't.
I like big trucks and I can not lie.
Happy Earth Day!
Wind farms are in my future. I'm a big fan.
Sophisticated criminals in California are posing as truck drivers to steal large quantities of walnuts. Police think they have the ringleader...Mr. Peanut.
Today is High Five Day!
Low Fives, Giving Skin, and Fist Bumps may resume tomorrow.
Shocking and sad news. What's the symbol for dead?
The Beverly Hills City Council voted this week to adopt a resolution to develop driverless vehicles. Who's going to ask if you have any Grey Poupon?
The new Smart mattress lets you know if your partner is cheating. You can also hook it to your Smart phone and it calls a lawyer.
Today is Tell a Lie Day!
But I can't.
I like big trucks and I can not lie.
Saturday, April 9, 2016
MEMBER OF THE WEEK (MOW) FO!
4/2/16 – 4/8/16: MEMBER OF THE WEEK (MOW)
What a week it has been! The Rave Reviews Book Club is a group of writers and readers that support each other. There are no airs in this group, just many like you who enjoy the written word and the success of others who share the passion. Thank you Rave Reviews Book Club for the chance to be a part of a great writing community.
Become a part.
https://ravereviewsbynonniejules.wordpress.com/
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #416
Duck Dynasty' star Willie Roberston will join Fox News as a contributor. He's expected to wing it.
I told my wife it was Poison Awareness Week so she asked me not to cook.
The wife and I had Easter dinner at Golden Corral with two of the grand kids. Asked her why she kept making trips to get us all desserts. She said to add steps to her Fitbit.
A 100-year-old woman was booted from her California home for disrupting the neighborhood. Her mother said she just doesn't know what to do with her.
A 78 year old weightlifting grandmother from Illinois can dead lift 225 pounds. When asked what grip she uses she said, "POLIGRIP."
Surgeons saved a Brazilian man's hand from amputation by sewing it into his belly. Now save Trump from putting his foot in his mouth.
Dozens of cases of Burger King 'Whopper' patties were stolen from a delivery truck...After seeing what they had the robbers took the patties out and ate the box.
Three new crew members have joined the International Space Station, including a US grandfather. NASA is moving dinner up to 4pm.
Happy Chocolate Covered Raisin Day!
Give me a raisin to love it.
A puppy frozen in time for 12,400 years was thawed by scientists. In remarkable footage he is separated from a 12,400 year old fire hydrant.
I told my wife it was Poison Awareness Week so she asked me not to cook.
The wife and I had Easter dinner at Golden Corral with two of the grand kids. Asked her why she kept making trips to get us all desserts. She said to add steps to her Fitbit.
A 100-year-old woman was booted from her California home for disrupting the neighborhood. Her mother said she just doesn't know what to do with her.
A 78 year old weightlifting grandmother from Illinois can dead lift 225 pounds. When asked what grip she uses she said, "POLIGRIP."
Surgeons saved a Brazilian man's hand from amputation by sewing it into his belly. Now save Trump from putting his foot in his mouth.
Dozens of cases of Burger King 'Whopper' patties were stolen from a delivery truck...After seeing what they had the robbers took the patties out and ate the box.
Three new crew members have joined the International Space Station, including a US grandfather. NASA is moving dinner up to 4pm.
Happy Chocolate Covered Raisin Day!
Give me a raisin to love it.
A puppy frozen in time for 12,400 years was thawed by scientists. In remarkable footage he is separated from a 12,400 year old fire hydrant.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Larry's Latest Laugh #316
Chumlee from 'Pawn Stars' was arrested in Vegas for a felony weapon and drug charge. While he was being booked Rick called in an expert to see if it was real.
Bernie Sanders won a major ruling allowing 17 year olds to vote in the Ohio Primary... Two thirds texted in votes for Kim Kardashian.
Scientists are growing a dinosaur leg on a chicken in a bizarre experiment of reverse evolution. "I'm trying to perfect a colossal drumstick," said Colonel Frankin Sanders.
Nat Geo star "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Millan was arrested for cruelty to animals. What on Earth was he telling them?
An extremely rare case of twins born with different fathers have been reported after a DNA test was ordered. I think mom has some explaining to do.
Federal authorizes are investigating the deaths of 13 bald eagles discovered Saturday. Glenn Frey had all his hair, huh?
A mysterious radio burst has been pinpointed in a distant galaxy...Critics are telling me to apply for a job.
Bernie Sanders won a major ruling allowing 17 year olds to vote in the Ohio Primary... Two thirds texted in votes for Kim Kardashian.
Scientists are growing a dinosaur leg on a chicken in a bizarre experiment of reverse evolution. "I'm trying to perfect a colossal drumstick," said Colonel Frankin Sanders.
Nat Geo star "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Millan was arrested for cruelty to animals. What on Earth was he telling them?
An extremely rare case of twins born with different fathers have been reported after a DNA test was ordered. I think mom has some explaining to do.
Federal authorizes are investigating the deaths of 13 bald eagles discovered Saturday. Glenn Frey had all his hair, huh?
A mysterious radio burst has been pinpointed in a distant galaxy...Critics are telling me to apply for a job.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs #216
Science and Superheros: how close are we to creating real superpowers? Close, my wife tells me she knows what I'm thinking before I do.
I'd like to thank the Facebook friends who shared their friendship videos. I found four people who owe me money.
The German Short Haired Pointer won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. When asked how it felt out there, the dog replied, "Ruff."
Happy Almond Day! You can pronounce it with or without the "L". It's nuts.
An exorcist claims that "beautiful women" are more likely to be possessed by demons. He went on to say, "But don't get me wrong, other women can be, too. I just don't care."
Thousands of blacktip sharks are gathering off the coast of Florida. The presidential primaries are in Florida next month, coincidence?
In a dream my room was dark and a weird man in a moustache was sneaking up on me to suffocate me with my pillow. Fearfully I struggled. I fought him off and awoke screaming, "Damn you Mike Lindell!."
Happy Mailman Day! Thank him for the forever stamps, as long as they last.
The worlds most advanced robot piano can now play any song ever recorded. Music lovers everywhere rejoiced when it refused to play Nickelback.
and finally,
North Korea yet again defied UN resolutions and fired another rocket causing outrage from its members. They issued this statement:
"We're Morally, Ethically,
Spiritually, Physically,
Undeniably and reliably outraged.
And as head of the UN I must aver, I thoroughly examined it.
And we're not only merely outraged, we're really most sincerely outraged."
I'd like to thank the Facebook friends who shared their friendship videos. I found four people who owe me money.
The German Short Haired Pointer won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. When asked how it felt out there, the dog replied, "Ruff."
Happy Almond Day! You can pronounce it with or without the "L". It's nuts.
An exorcist claims that "beautiful women" are more likely to be possessed by demons. He went on to say, "But don't get me wrong, other women can be, too. I just don't care."
Thousands of blacktip sharks are gathering off the coast of Florida. The presidential primaries are in Florida next month, coincidence?
In a dream my room was dark and a weird man in a moustache was sneaking up on me to suffocate me with my pillow. Fearfully I struggled. I fought him off and awoke screaming, "Damn you Mike Lindell!."
Happy Mailman Day! Thank him for the forever stamps, as long as they last.
The worlds most advanced robot piano can now play any song ever recorded. Music lovers everywhere rejoiced when it refused to play Nickelback.
and finally,
North Korea yet again defied UN resolutions and fired another rocket causing outrage from its members. They issued this statement:
"We're Morally, Ethically,
Spiritually, Physically,
Undeniably and reliably outraged.
And as head of the UN I must aver, I thoroughly examined it.
And we're not only merely outraged, we're really most sincerely outraged."
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Larry's Latest Laughs 206
A dangerous strain of dog flu is sweeping the country. Veterinarians are telling patients to, "Catch two Frisbees and call me in the morning."
Scientists say robots will be controlling my life in the very near future. They might want to tell my wife.
A man from England who loved sea salt died of a sodium overdose. Assaulted by sodium, go figure.
Scientists are now saying animals workout just like humans to stay fit. What ticks me off is the turtles hogging the treadmills.
A 23 year old woman in South Carolina bit off the finger of a Walmart clerk because she tried to stop her from shoplifting. When asked about the incident, the clerk said, "I should have taken that job in the second hand store.”
Scientists say robots will be controlling my life in the very near future. They might want to tell my wife.
A man from England who loved sea salt died of a sodium overdose. Assaulted by sodium, go figure.
Scientists are now saying animals workout just like humans to stay fit. What ticks me off is the turtles hogging the treadmills.
A 23 year old woman in South Carolina bit off the finger of a Walmart clerk because she tried to stop her from shoplifting. When asked about the incident, the clerk said, "I should have taken that job in the second hand store.”
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