Larry's Latest Laughs

Well it turns out, a giant study has shown Viagra is linked to almost a 70 percent lower risk of Alzheimer’s. I told my wife. She said, “Well at least if you leave the house without your pants on, the neighbors will be impressed.” 

I just clicked on my Facebook year in review. It was my Guardian Angel shaking his head in dismay.

A scientific team at Harvard has witnessed the first living robots—that can reproduce. One scientist said, "We were all quite fascinated when we noticed the can of WD40 on the night stand next to the bed.

It was so cold this morning I had to turn on the fireplace channel.

Time to go shopping. I put up my Christmas decorations and my grandkids said they were cool, "So turn of the century."

 

 

Larry's Latest Laughs #195

A woman from Texas named Traci Redford was flying Southwest with her five-year-old daughter a few weeks ago, and the employees at the gate made fun of her daughter’s name, because it’s spelled A-B-C-D-E. It’s pronounced Ab-suh-dee. The woman’s an idiot. Everybody knows that’s a boy’s name.

Announcers are running out of things to talk about for the Superbowl. Just heard this about how the refs can affect the game:
Head Linesman- In a divorce.
Line Judge- Has no visibility in his right eye.
Umpire- Lingering prostate issues.
Back Judge- Heightened level of anxiety. (His mother won’t be at game.)
Side Judge- Fear of animals as mascots.
Field Judge- He will be late. He woke up in Piedmont Park, naked with a quarter in his hand.

A new study shows a “fish heavy” diet could prevent depression, especially, if you eat clownfish.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg will miss Supreme Court arguments for first time in 25 years. Unlike my wife, who would never give up.

Technology sure is getting intrusive. Makers of the new high-tech toilets say soon they will be tracking your every movement.

Went to buy healthy food this morning for the New Year and had to walk past Valentine’s Day candy. I showed them. I bought the discounted Christmas candy instead.

President Barack H. Obama Highway is now open. You can drive it in California. If you get pulled over you have to show your driver’s license, proof of insurance, registration, and birth certificate.

Today was the day in 2001 that the Shoe Bomber was caught trying to detonate a bomb on an airline. I hear he’s in the same cell as the Underwear Bomber and they run the jail haberdashery.

Today is Flashlight Day. When you turn on yours make sure it’s not your light saber.

Plans are under way to sail a full-sized reconstruction of Noah’s Ark to Israel. The party animals will be on the Lido Deck.

The parish has plans to expand the Lafourche Parish Main Library. They’re building a second story. It will go nicely with all the others.

It’s not just Halloween; it’s also Increase Your Physic Powers Day! I think my wife’s a physic. She always knows what’s good for me.

Larry's Latest Laughs #194

To make it more humane, a Maine lobster pound is using marijuana smoke to sedate the lobsters before they cook them. They blow the smoke into the the box along with the water. They call it a Cheech Marin-nade.

During the Carolina floods, it was said The Cajun Navy had gone missing. The North Carolina police did find them. The Cajun Navy said next time, they won't bring their fishing poles.

An 83-year-old Japanese woman has been named to the Guinness World Records as the oldest club DJ. She says she loves doing the mash-ups, because that's the only way she can eat her food.

NASA announced they found ice on the surface of the moon. To learn more, officials are sending Michelle Kwan, Nancy Kerrigan and Kristi Yamaguchi.

Always one to listen, a politician told me the tax cuts go to the greedy rich. I thought about voting against them and told my wife. She said, no you're not. Now, I don't know who to be mad at, the rich, my wife, or the politician who told me.

Disneyland now serves alcohol. The sports bar that features the princesses is a big hit. It's said to be a ladies night out you don't want to miss.

SeaWorld is eliminating 125 positions. One official, said the cost cutting move will close down some of the schools.

Larry's Latest Laughs #193

A new study found chimpanzee beds are cleaner than those of humans. Can't argue there. If it's true we come from dust under my bed alone is the birth of a nation.

Men, ages 70 and 72, got in a fight over who cut in the cheese sample line at Costco. Nothing Gouda ever comes from something like that.

Donald Trump says he would give himself an A+ for his work as president. Stormy Daniels gave him double D's.

Archaeologist in Egypt stumbled upon a new discovery dating back to more than 2,5000 years, a mummification workshop near Egypt's famed pyramids. In the first chamber, posted in hieroglyphics, were Workman's Compensation, and Slave Labor Laws.

A tanker truck in Jefferson, Iowa flipped and spilled 4,000 gallons of milk. Police said crews took several hours to clean up the mess because everyone who tried to help kept crying uncontrollably.

A UK couple who've been married for 70 years say they've never argued. "We have a perfect relationship," the man said. "She does her thing...and I do hers."

People who are young at heart say you're never too old to get a tattoo. How much would it cost to have written on my back, "I've fallen and I can't get up?"

Two elderly men escaped a retirement home to go to a heavy metal music festival. Hey, if you're not off your rocker, get off your rocker, and rock.

Stormy Daniels was awarded the key to a California city yesterday. Handing her the key was a pizza guy, pool boy, and the UPS man.

Archaeologist in Jordan found a 14,000 year old bread loaf believed to be the oldest ever found. The leader of the exhibition said, "There is more to discover. I think we're on a roll."

The world's oldest person Chiyo Miyako has died in Japan at age of 117. Her 100 year old daughter said. "I hated to see her go, but now I can finally eat first."

HGTV has bought the 'Brady Bunch' house and will restore it to it's "70's glory." Don't let the Property Brothers near it. They'll find a thousand things wrong with it before they begin.

This weekend, if you're looking to catch a good movie with the kids, I heard the Lego movie was well put together.

Today is National Scavenger Hunt Day! When I was a kid my babysitter's boyfriend used to send me on those all the time.

I told my wife that today was National Catfish Day! She said, "You'll fit right in. You have a hard head."

How many of you would like to see Judge Judy appointed to the Supreme Court? She could end each case with, "We're done!" If anyone talks backs, "I said, we're done!"

Larry Latest Laugh's # 192

An Elderly Care Home in England brought in pole dancers to entertain residents. The show had the men’s teeth chattering…while they were still in a the glass.

Today is National Almond Day. King Tut was buried with a handful of almonds believed to give him nutrients on the road to the hereafter. If you’re going to the hereafter, you might want to have your hands on your nuts.

I saw on Facebook of the 10 Louisiana politicians who voted no on the bestiality law. I guess they’ll always love ewe.

A guy in Clearwater, Florida, tried to leave a pet store with an exotic fish by stuffing it down his pants. The manager said he was easy to spot. He was the guy dancing wildly around the tank that held the piranhas.

A West Virginia woman was arrested for beheading her boyfriend and as they drove her away from the bloody scene, she told the cops, “You have to take me back and let me get my heads.” To which the cop said, “That’s where we be heading.”

Rage Yoga’ is posing while cursing loudly, drinking alcohol, and listening to metal music. My wife does that while getting into the pants.

Now 72, the man from Spain who was raised by wolves in a cave for 12 years as a young boy, now admits he’s disappointed with human life. But, he did say he enjoyed the Twilight Series, and still has that thing for Grandmas.

A 54-year-old Ohio woman was arrested Saturday afternoon for allegedly making lewd comments to an Easter Bunny at a carousel park. He was then fired when he tried to rub the hare on her leg.

With DNA from a museum specimen, scientists reconstructed the genome of a bird extinct for 700 years. Impressive, but what I’d still rather see is KFC come up with a three legged chicken.

An expert claims human speech will be replaced by thought communication by 2050. Good. I was really tired of saying, duh.

A new study of the air around Los Angeles finds that hairspray, paint, and deodorant rival cars for harmful atmospheric pollutants. That, in a city where it’s better to look good than to feel good.

An 82 year old Milkman in Montreal is retiring after 67 years on the job. He started when he was 15 years old and never left the neighborhood. He said, “I had no choice, I’m 82 , not 22.” He then went on to say it’s only a coincidence that all the people on the block look the same.

A woman said she didn’t smile for forty years to avoid wrinkles and it is crucial to her good looks. She said it was easy. She works for the IRS.

Larry's Latest Laughs #191

Heard some Olympic athletes were taking a knee during the games. I thought it was Un-American, till I found out it was the Curling Team.

With all the sexual harassment cases in the news, the boss posted a new dress code policy. No neckties because of where they point.

Tomorrow, California will become the sixth U.S. state, to legalize, regulate, and tax sales of recreational marijuana. Officials said it was a joint effort.

Conxxxion Adult Store on Hollywood Rd. in Houma was robbed last night. The robber really did have a pistol in his pocket.

 In the Conxxxion Adult Store robbery last night, a customer was also robbed of twenty dollars. They didn't release his name. I'm sure he was just in there getting a gag gift.

Today is National Bacon Day!
They'll be a whole look of bacon goin' on.

We'll be doing another performance of Jesus Christ Superstar, Palm Sunday. I'll once again play Apostle Peter. I'm calling it a Re-Pete.

Florida is still the 3rd most populous state, keeping New York forth in line. To the new residents of Florida, I lift my glass of Metamucil.

Today was the day in 2001 that the Shoe Bomber was caught. He's in the same cell as the Underwear Bomber. They run the jail haberdashery.

Chuck E. Cheese will now offer delivery. Now you won't have to leave your house to watch a family brawl at a pizza party.

Non-Profit

“NON-PROFIT”

"Non-Profit" is an adult, comedic, fictional look into who should get your money (I'm sorry, funding) when you donate: the living or the dying? Join the creative staff of the St. Raphael Parish Arts and Humanities Council, Arts Councils from around the state, Medical Non-Profits, and The Louisiana Tourism Industry, on a weekend symposium. Enjoy the extreme competitiveness and backbiting, while contemplating who should win or lose your tax dollars, donations from the wealthy, monetary gifts from corporations, and large, grant giving foundations. “Non-Profit” humorously asks the question, “Should I nobly give my money to comfort the sick, help the inflicted, and save lives, or would I honestly rather put on a good musical?”

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076J2R31K/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1508323664&sr=8-1&keywords=larry+hyatt

Larry's Latest Laughs # 190

A professor says face-reading artificial intelligence will soon be able to detect your politics. It will also prove your elected official is two faced.

A police suspect, in Surf City, North Carolina, attempted to elude police officers by taking to the open ocean. He was rescued while being pursued by a shark. Them lawyers are pretty fast.

New study says slow walkers have a better chance of dying young. Billy Joel was wrong.

A retired postman saved his drowning tortoise's life after performing CPR, for almost an hour. The guy said, “I didn’t want to quit and just kept going. I kept wondering why it was taking so long. Then, I realized he was tortoise.”

I didn't hurt my retinas by looking at the eclipse. However, I did poke myself in the eye when I took off my tin foil hat.

German police are looking for an outlaw gang, who stole 44,000 pounds of Nutella, from a trailer. Officials said they received thousands of requests from people to please find out who it was. They want to join the gang.

A brand new fancy wine bar is being planned at Disney. Can't wait to see all the princesses get together, dance, hang out, and let their hair down.

The Falcons' new stadium has a Chick-fil-A, which won't be open for the games on Sunday. When the Saints play there, the Falcons might as well take off, too.

The sale of Glen Campbell's records have gone up 13,000 percent. The sale of Campbell's autograph has gone up, too. I even heard, the sale of "Campbell's Soup" has gone up.

When Glen Campbell walked through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him why he had a little skip in his step. He said, "I still have that subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe."

Philadelphia's tax on sugary drinks has made soda more expensive than beer in the city. Beer makers rejoice. Coke drinkers find it soda-scuss-ting

I told the wife I was scared to swim in the pool because of that brain eating amoeba. She said go ahead and swim. You have nothing to worry about.

A brawl forced the temporary lock-down of a San Francisco mall. Officials said it wasn't really a fight. One of the mall walkers tripped and the others kept falling on top of him.

The ‘Bovine Bandits’ were nabbed in Polk Co. Florida after stealing cows, then selling them at auction. Looks like going to jail will be... unavoida-bull.

Larry's Latest Laughs #189

Justin Thomas shot a record 9-under par at the 2017 US Open on Saturday. Yet, when I go up to take a shot, the ducks in the park put on crash helmets.

Forest Bathers, are part of a growing movement that believes immersing oneself in nature has unexpected medical benefits. So what you're telling me, is, "Go, take a hike?"

Unable to pay its bills, Illinois is telling firms to halt road work. The crews will now have to sit on their as-phalt.

A Virginia high school included the picture of a student's service dog in the year book. It was the least they could do for eating the guys homework every day.

Iceland is slowly being torn apart by constant earthquakes...They call the big one... Fruzanbiginfrocken.

Chanel is selling a high-priced boomerang for $1,930 as part of their luxury collection. Finally, money my wife can't throw away.

A blogger is suing the Food Network for stealing her signature recipe. The judge said he will try the case... with a roasted Chateaubriand, with a red-wine, and creamed mushroom sauce.

A group of mummies were found in Lithuania, with some almost completely preserved and life like, as if they were just sitting around, trying to unwind.

The latest ridiculous food trend to hit the internet —pickle juice soda. It tastes a lot like Coke-a-cola Vlasic.

I hear the new iphone-8 will be made of glass. You should see the colorful one my priest ordered.

Thirty-five hundred people will attend the Dutch funeral expo to dig up the latest in death trends. I think I'll join them in the morning.

Bob Marley's grandson has signed a contract to play in the NFL. They'll have to come up with a new penalty, illegal use of the turf.

A new study finds that being skinny is linked to depression. It reminds me of the time I lost all that weight, and I found out I really didn't have a pretty face.

Scientists are now growing eye cells to repair corneas, a major source of vision problems and blindness. I would think they saw that coming.

Larry's Latest Laughs #185

I just booked a flight on United Airlines. They asked if I had a problem with being stuffed in the overhead compartment.

When Chuck Berry passed through the Pearly Gates, the angels didn't hear church bells. They heard ding-a-lings.

Some offices now have sensors that tell your boss when you've left your desk. I'd like to have a sensor that tells me when the boss is standing behind me.

If you were sick when the time changed, lucky you. It was one less hour of feeling miserable.

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John will play Danny and Sandy for Grease's 40th anniversary. The song "You're the One That I Want," has been changed to, "You're the One That I want ...(To Get My Teeth Out of That Glass.)"

Jimmy, a 13-year-old brown tabby cat in New Jersey went missing about 2 years ago. Last week, after a tearful reunion, Jimmy was asked what it was like to be back with his human family. Jimmy replied, "Eh."

A college in Canada removed the scales from their gym after students complained it could trigger an eating disorder. They replaced it with one that says out loud, "There, there, you'll be okay. You're beautiful in every way."

Another guy tried to jump the fence at the White House. This one, literally, got caught on the fence. Secret Service left him there and hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on him.

Police in Indianapolis are investigating after a woman assaulted her mother with a cheeseburger at McDonald's. The mother told police, the relationship with her daughter has been a bit McFrosty.

Experts claim thousands of people could live in colonies orbiting the Earth in 20 years. Send the college kids looking for safe space.

Facebook's mysterious hardware group, Building 8, is working on Augmented Reality and mind control. They'll never be as good as my wife.

Larry's Latest Laughs #174

My wife started "aggressive" yoga classes which incorporates cardio, CrossFit and boxing to get fitness results. After she was through she beat the hell out of me with the mat.

There is now a head set that records brain waves and then composes original music to uplift its users. I put mine on and all I kept hearing was the dinner bell.

A Shanghai building now has the fastest elevator in the world. It goes up at 40 MPH. It's so fast, you get to the top floor before the music does.

Wal-mar Stores Inc is jumping into car sales through partnership with dealership groups. The cars will now come with kids crying in the back seat.

Police in India have recovered more than 6,000 freshwater turtles that were to be smuggled to Southeast Asia. One Indian official said, "We could have recovered more but in the beginning it was slow going."

You can know get pain relief with the touch of a button. It's a gadget that zaps you numb. I put it in my seat cushion when my mother-in-law comes to visit.

This could be fake new but I read the Podium is boycotting the inaugural.

On Saturday, the Satanic Temple of Los Angels held their biggest event ever: a massive satanic mass. It was either that or a bunch of lawyers.

So, do you think congress will repeal the bill to repeal the bill they didn't read before they passed it?

Scientists in Massachusetts have now grown a full size beating heart from stem cells. The mayor of San Francisco said, "That's nothing. People around here have been tripping over them for years."

A new study examines nature's trade-offs: Brawn v. Brains and Looks v. Loyalty....Love v. Money? Older people have that one figured out.

A McDonald's at the Vatican. "Would you like a Rosary with that."

Terrebonne Parish officials commemorated the opening of the newly refurbished women's jail with a ribbon cutting ceremony and guided tours. White shrimp boots were the new black.

Larry's Latest Laughs #173

I just pressed my Facebook Year in Review 2016. It showed a homeless guy, pointing at me, laughing.

A new study claims half of people "remember" events that never happened... Another one said wives know what their husband will do before he thinks of it.

I felt old but didn't know why when I put up my Christmas decorations and my grand kids said they were cool, "So turn of the century."

I read a report that says plants learn like humans. What the heck are vegans going to eat now.

After receiving a barrage of criticism, a Japanese skating rink that froze 5,000 dead fish into the ice as an attraction for visitors has been closed. Oh-fish-ally.

A new study claims monkeys DO have the power to talk. Their lack of speech is because they can't stop laughing at us.

and,

Thai prosecutors have charged an influential Buddhist Monk with money laundering a million dollars.
He claimed he wanted to be "one" in a million.
He wanted to become "one" with the tree. The money tree.
He claimed it paid better than sitting around not knowing everything.

Larry latest Laughs #172

Scientists were stunned when two chimps in the wild were seen using twigs as fishing rods. The recording picked up the female chimp telling the male, "This is the only place you ever take me."

Los Angeles now has a DivorceHotel. You check in married and check out divorced in just two days. Celebrities are pooling together to get a group rate.

Research from the US shows that mice who received human blood plasma from teenagers enjoyed better memory, faster speed, and improved brain function. Well, that, and they could text 500 words a minute.

The New Orleans Zephyrs renamed the baseball team to the "Baby Cakes." Should be interesting when they have to "change the pitcher."

Now that the New Orleans Zephyrs are called the Baby Cakes:
When the batter gets a base on balls, it's a "Cake Walk."
They'll now be calling the Short Stop a "Short Cake."
And, for protection, all players on the team must wear a "Cup-cake."

Last night during the blackout in Houma my wife and I lit candles to make it romantic. The people in Rouses didn’t think it was appropriate.

A guy discovered Vincent van Gogh's sketchbook containing 65 drawings from the artist's 'most important years.' His buddy Claude said he had Monet more.

A Florida man was arrested for domestic battery after striking his live-in boyfriend with a cup of ramen noodles. Police said the victim described the assailant as "Poor and pissy."

I voted for President this morning. Walking out I saw a guy in line holding a rock, paper, and scissors.

Television shows that feature robots will now explore legal marriages to the machines. The first three anniversary gifts will be paper, cotton, then WD40.

A video of a man who wrestled with a giant panda bear after breaking into a zoo enclosure in southern China has gone viral. The guy gave the panda a black eye but no one can tell.

The New York Metropolitan canceled an opera after they thought someone sprinkled cremated ashes in the orchestra pit. Probably one of them de-composers.

Larry's Latest Laughs #171

The World Health Organization wants governments to tax sugary drinks to help people who are obese. It's soda-moralizing.

A new dog book backs up the theory that dogs can tell time with their noses. Duh? They call them watch dogs.

On Facebook my past life analysis says I was born yesterday and ain't got a lick of sense.

Ken Bone, the man in the red sweater who went viral after his question at the presidential debate, has come under fire for comments he supposedly made. Looks like the Ken bones connected to the knee-jerk reaction bone.

I've finally went out on a limb and decided who's side I'm on in the presidential election. I'm on your side.

Larry's Latest Laughs #170

Shortly after golfer Arnold Palmer's ceremonial spreading of his ashes in his home town, a beautiful rainbow appeared over Latrobe Country Club. In the distance you could hear St. Peter yell, "Fore!"

A New Jersey man was arrested on long Beach Island Beach for wearing a bathing suit made of plastic wrap. Police said, "By the looks of it, he clearly broke the law."

I thought I was running well in the 5K this morning until a woman passed me up pushing a kid in a stroller. The kid must have been "juice-in.'"

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn't find where the disc landed and the other couldn't remember why they were looking.

The toy company Hasbro has launched a new life-like robotic dog designed to bring companionship and comfort to aging adults. Officials say it's so real, when you rip one you can blame it on the robot.

Larry's Latest Laughs #169

Scientists claim two dolphins have been recorded having a conversation just like people. They argued over which wine goes best with fish.

The Spice Girls are having a reunion tour but Sporty Spice and Posh Spice are two busy. Add Caitlyn Jenner. Call him Old Spice.

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

 A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn't find where the disc landed and the other couldn't remember why they were looking.

Walmart is now working on a self-driving shopping cart. When the wheel starts to wobble it will hobble down the aisle, trailing behind you, making noise.

Now researchers say major earthquakes are caused by the moon? Whose?

Hunters in Iceland found a 1000-year old Viking sword. Scientists claim it's extremely valuable. More so if it was pulled from a stone.

Happy Linguine Day!
If you don't have linguine,
Don't be up-setti.
All it is,
is flat spaghetti....






 

Nice Guys Finish Last

By: Larry Hyatt

            There once was a very nice guy. So nice was he, that his niceness could be calculated, manipulated, and used for devious means.

            Each day on his way home from work a man would stop him and ask for help. And, each day the guy would take the extra time to the point of getting home late. He couldn’t, in his heart, resist. But, unbeknownst to him it was twins taking turns, keeping him from going home so the other could spend time with his wife.

            This went on for fourteen days because after two weeks the twins thought it would be smart to use disguises. They surmised that no one is so extremely nice that they would stop and help the same man every day for two weeks. It worked. The nice guy continued to help and would always get home about an hour late to his wife.

            On the twenty-first day, disguised as someone else, one of the twins lost his fake mustache that was attached to his face. He then became angry at the nice guy because he knew that he’d been caught. "You are stupid! You are an idiot! Why would you let us make a fool out of you?"
             
            “I have to be nice. It is my nature,” said the guy.  “It’s who I am and I can’t resist.”

            “I've never heard of such a thing," said the Twin. "You are absolutely the nicest man I know. I had no idea someone in this devious world could be that loving.”

             “I can’t help myself. I am compelled to do what people ask,” said the nice guy. “But now I must answer your question. I figured out the scheme when you two started wearing the disguises and told my twin brother. For a week now, he's been banging both of your wives.”

Larry's Latest Laughs #168

Three things I discovered on a Carnival Cruise.
* I wish everyone in everyday life treated me like the staff did.
* Without cell phone service, people walk with their head upright and teenagers will actually laugh with you.
* There is no shame on the Lido Deck. It's Walmart in a swimsuit.

Yesterday was National Lazy Day so today we're giving out the prizes.
You know you're being lazy when you push the garbage down with your hand for the 5th time.

A mutant 'Super Lice' outbreak is spreading and parents are being warned for the back to school season. Officials claim they are easy to find. There's just one and it covers the entire head.

Today is Watermelon Day!
Stay in a good frame of rind.

Mercedes-Benz now has a self driving bus. A nice way to get to your low paying job.

Geologists in Sweden have found what they call the first-ever “extinct” meteorites buried within a 470-million-year old limestone slab. They’re calling them Abba-Dabba-Doom-Rocks.

A 94-year-old man from Indiana is now the oldest person to ever earn a sixth degree black belt. When asked how he felt, he said, “Karate? I thought they said Karaoke!"

Scientists unearthed a trove of 700-year-old stone tools used by monkeys... all monkey wrenches

A South California man was arrested after his dog tested positive for Meth. The tip off was when the dog "did" everybody's homework.

I don't have a problem with police robots. Use sponsor logos like NASCAR...Ford, Goodyear, Krispy Kreme.

Today is World Population Day!
Moms and Dads did it.

PBS has apologized for last night's Fourth of July broadcast that used previous years’ fireworks footage. I thought I noticed the outdated “oohs” and “ahhs.”

The 'Clock boy' Ahmed Mohamed, the boy who made the homemade clock that school officials said looked like a bomb, returned to Texas. He said he wants to join the Neighborhood Watch Program.

Parts of a mutilated body washed up on the sands of Copacabana Beach in Rio, Wednesday, police said, "His name was Rico. He wore a diamond."

Today is Camera Day!
If you take a picture of cheese, tell it to say Velveeta.
A Texas woman woke up with a British accent after jaw surgery. Doctors say it's a rare disorder called Receptive-Schizoid-Bipolar-Madonna Speech.

Today is National French Fries Day!
"The skin must peel before the potato can fry."
-Alfred Lord Cooking Oil

I drove the Country Cruiser in the parade yesterday.
Little Boy: Hey! Are there any floats back there?
Me: Yeah! They're coming!
Little Boy: Are they throwing firecrackers?
The little kid might be on to something.

Father's Day I honored my dad. I let my kid leave the front door open so I could air-condition the neighborhood.

Larry's Latest Laughs #610

 Last night I had a dream. I fell into a gorilla enclosure and they couldn't decide who to shoot.

A heart transplant patient, for 17 months, carried his heart around in a backpack. Through the marriage my ex-wife carried hers in an ice-chest.

A bicycle theft in a Walmart parking lot was foiled when a cattle rancher on horseback chased the thief down and lassoed him. An eye witness said the cowboy hog tied the guy’s legs, raised his hands, and yelled “Schwinn.”

Tomorrow, Wicca, the religious cult of modern witchcraft will call attention to 6-6-16. To protect myself I'm going to spend the day in one of their baskets.

Donald Trump has narrowed the VP field down to five. On the short list...Chewbacca Mom.

Another Disney worker went on a booze-fueled rampage. They're now going to make them get in line to do that.

PGA Tour golfer pulled out of a tournament because of "incredible anxiety." Like the time I stepped up to make a shot and the ducks in the park put on crash helmets.

In Wales, a group of sheep went on a rampage after ingesting cannabis. I guess it was a "Baaad" trip.

Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of Greek philosopher Aristotle. Written on the wall was his last great quote... "Life Sucks - Then You Die."

 

Larry's Latest Laughs #516

Congratulations to the lovely couple. I just heard Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his girlfriend had a new baby buoy.

Iran has accused Kim Kardashian of being a secret agent to bring down their culture. Her code name is "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."

Astrological eating will be the next big food fad. People who have tried the diet say Centaurs taste a lot like chicken.

This morning on C-96.7, we'll talk about a guy in Ireland who swallowed his cell phone. I'll let you know how it worked out.

Happy Accounting Day!
I once received a love poem from an accountant. It started, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

A small robot doctor, in a pill, can be swallowed and sent on medical missions in the body. The mission is not over till the paper work is done.

Morley Safer is retiring from CBS after 46 years. He said his retirement will come in intervals of sixty minutes.

Today is Windmill Day! Thinking about it makes my head spin.

Ozzy and Sharon Osborne are getting a divorce. Sharon asked for privacy. Ozzy asked for something too, but no one can figure out what he said.

Happy Museum Day!
Tonight have double the fun. See "Night at the Museum" tonight at the museum.