Sunday, August 14, 2016

Larry's Latest Laughs #168

Three things I discovered on a Carnival Cruise.
* I wish everyone in everyday life treated me like the staff did.
* Without cell phone service, people walk with their head upright and teenagers will actually laugh with you.
* There is no shame on the Lido Deck. It's Walmart in a swimsuit.

Yesterday was National Lazy Day so today we're giving out the prizes.
You know you're being lazy when you push the garbage down with your hand for the 5th time.

A mutant 'Super Lice' outbreak is spreading and parents are being warned for the back to school season. Officials claim they are easy to find. There's just one and it covers the entire head.

Today is Watermelon Day!
Stay in a good frame of rind.

Mercedes-Benz now has a self driving bus. A nice way to get to your low paying job.

Geologists in Sweden have found what they call the first-ever “extinct” meteorites buried within a 470-million-year old limestone slab. They’re calling them Abba-Dabba-Doom-Rocks.

A 94-year-old man from Indiana is now the oldest person to ever earn a sixth degree black belt. When asked how he felt, he said, “Karate? I thought they said Karaoke!"

Scientists unearthed a trove of 700-year-old stone tools used by monkeys... all monkey wrenches

A South California man was arrested after his dog tested positive for Meth. The tip off was when the dog "did" everybody's homework.

I don't have a problem with police robots. Use sponsor logos like NASCAR...Ford, Goodyear, Krispy Kreme.

Today is World Population Day!
Moms and Dads did it.

PBS has apologized for last night's Fourth of July broadcast that used previous years’ fireworks footage. I thought I noticed the outdated “oohs” and “ahhs.”

The 'Clock boy' Ahmed Mohamed, the boy who made the homemade clock that school officials said looked like a bomb, returned to Texas. He said he wants to join the Neighborhood Watch Program.

Parts of a mutilated body washed up on the sands of Copacabana Beach in Rio, Wednesday, police said, "His name was Rico. He wore a diamond."

Today is Camera Day!
If you take a picture of cheese, tell it to say Velveeta.
A Texas woman woke up with a British accent after jaw surgery. Doctors say it's a rare disorder called Receptive-Schizoid-Bipolar-Madonna Speech.

Today is National French Fries Day!
"The skin must peel before the potato can fry."
-Alfred Lord Cooking Oil

I drove the Country Cruiser in the parade yesterday.
Little Boy: Hey! Are there any floats back there?
Me: Yeah! They're coming!
Little Boy: Are they throwing firecrackers?
The little kid might be on to something.

Father's Day I honored my dad. I let my kid leave the front door open so I could air-condition the neighborhood.