Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Larry Latest Laugh's # 192

An Elderly Care Home in England brought in pole dancers to entertain residents. The show had the men’s teeth chattering…while they were still in a the glass.
Today is National Almond Day. King Tut was buried with a handful of almonds believed to give him nutrients on the road to the hereafter. If you’re going to the hereafter, you might want to have your hands on your nuts.
I saw on Facebook of the 10 Louisiana politicians who voted no on the bestiality law. I guess they’ll always love ewe.
A guy in Clearwater, Florida, tried to leave a pet store with an exotic fish by stuffing it down his pants. The manager said he was easy to spot. He was the guy dancing wildly around the tank that held the piranhas.
A West Virginia woman was arrested for beheading her boyfriend and as they drove her away from the bloody scene, she told the cops, “You have to take me back and let me get my heads.” To which the cop said, “That’s where we be heading.”
Rage Yoga’ is posing while cursing loudly, drinking alcohol, and listening to metal music. My wife does that while getting into the pants.
Now 72, the man from Spain who was raised by wolves in a cave for 12 years as a young boy, now admits he’s disappointed with human life. But, he did say he enjoyed the Twilight Series, and still has that thing for Grandmas.
A 54-year-old Ohio woman was arrested Saturday afternoon for allegedly making lewd comments to an Easter Bunny at a carousel park. He was then fired when he tried to rub the hare on her leg.
With DNA from a museum specimen, scientists reconstructed the genome of a bird extinct for 700 years. Impressive, but what I’d still rather see is KFC come up with a three legged chicken.
An expert claims human speech will be replaced by thought communication by 2050. Good. I was really tired of saying, duh.
A new study of the air around Los Angeles finds that hairspray, paint, and deodorant rival cars for harmful atmospheric pollutants. That, in a city where it’s better to look good than to feel good.
An 82 year old Milkman in Montreal is retiring after 67 years on the job. He started when he was 15 years old and never left the neighborhood. He said, “I had no choice, I’m 82 , not 22.” He then went on to say it’s only a coincidence that all the people on the block look the same.
A woman said she didn’t smile for forty years to avoid wrinkles and it is crucial to her good looks. She said it was easy. She works for the IRS.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Larry's Latest Laughs #191

Heard some Olympic athletes were taking a knee during the games. I thought it was Un-American, till I found out it was the Curling Team.

With all the sexual harassment cases in the news, the boss posted a new dress code policy. No neckties because of where they point.

Tomorrow, California will become the sixth U.S. state, to legalize, regulate, and tax sales of recreational marijuana. Officials said it was a joint effort.

Conxxxion Adult Store on Hollywood Rd. in Houma was robbed last night. The robber really did have a pistol in his pocket.

 In the Conxxxion Adult Store robbery last night, a customer was also robbed of twenty dollars. They didn't release his name. I'm sure he was just in there getting a gag gift.

Today is National Bacon Day!
They'll be a whole look of bacon goin' on.

We'll be doing another performance of Jesus Christ Superstar, Palm Sunday. I'll once again play Apostle Peter. I'm calling it a Re-Pete.

Florida is still the 3rd most populous state, keeping New York forth in line. To the new residents of Florida, I lift my glass of Metamucil.

Today was the day in 2001 that the Shoe Bomber was caught. He's in the same cell as the Underwear Bomber. They run the jail haberdashery.

Chuck E. Cheese will now offer delivery. Now you won't have to leave your house to watch a family brawl at a pizza party.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Non-Profit


“NON-PROFIT”
"Non-Profit" is an adult, comedic, fictional look into who should get your money (I'm sorry, funding) when you donate: the living or the dying? Join the creative staff of the St. Raphael Parish Arts and Humanities Council, Arts Councils from around the state, Medical Non-Profits, and The Louisiana Tourism Industry, on a weekend symposium. Enjoy the extreme competitiveness and backbiting, while contemplating who should win or lose your tax dollars, donations from the wealthy, monetary gifts from corporations, and large, grant giving foundations. “Non-Profit” humorously asks the question, “Should I nobly give my money to comfort the sick, help the inflicted, and save lives, or would I honestly rather put on a good musical?”





Thursday, September 21, 2017

Larry's Latest Laughs # 190

A professor says face-reading artificial intelligence will soon be able to detect your politics. It will also prove your elected official is two faced.

A police suspect, in Surf City, North Carolina, attempted to elude police officers by taking to the open ocean. He was rescued while being pursued by a shark. Them lawyers are pretty fast.

New study says slow walkers have a better chance of dying young. Billy Joel was wrong.

A retired postman saved his drowning tortoise's life after performing CPR, for almost an hour. The guy said, “I didn’t want to quit and just kept going. I kept wondering why it was taking so long. Then, I realized he was tortoise.”

I didn't hurt my retinas by looking at the eclipse. However, I did poke myself in the eye when I took off my tin foil hat.

German police are looking for an outlaw gang, who stole 44,000 pounds of Nutella, from a trailer. Officials said they received thousands of requests from people to please find out who it was. They want to join the gang.

A brand new fancy wine bar is being planned at Disney. Can't wait to see all the princesses get together, dance, hang out, and let their hair down.

The Falcons' new stadium has a Chick-fil-A, which won't be open for the games on Sunday. When the Saints play there, the Falcons might as well take off, too.

The sale of Glen Campbell's records have gone up 13,000 percent. The sale of Campbell's autograph has gone up, too. I even heard, the sale of "Campbell's Soup" has gone up.

When Glen Campbell walked through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him why he had a little skip in his step. He said, "I still have that subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe."

Philadelphia's tax on sugary drinks has made soda more expensive than beer in the city. Beer makers rejoice. Coke drinkers find it soda-scuss-ting

I told the wife I was scared to swim in the pool because of that brain eating amoeba. She said go ahead and swim. You have nothing to worry about.

A brawl forced the temporary lock-down of a San Francisco mall. Officials said it wasn't really a fight. One of the mall walkers tripped and the others kept falling on top of him.

The ‘Bovine Bandits’ were nabbed in Polk Co. Florida after stealing cows, then selling them at auction. Looks like going to jail will be... unavoida-bull.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Larry's Latest Laughs #189

Justin Thomas shot a record 9-under par at the 2017 US Open on Saturday. Yet, when I go up to take a shot, the ducks in the park put on crash helmets.

Forest Bathers, are part of a growing movement that believes immersing oneself in nature has unexpected medical benefits. So what you're telling me, is, "Go, take a hike?"

Unable to pay its bills, Illinois is telling firms to halt road work. The crews will now have to sit on their as-phalt.

A Virginia high school included the picture of a student's service dog in the year book. It was the least they could do for eating the guys homework every day.

Iceland is slowly being torn apart by constant earthquakes...They call the big one... Fruzanbiginfrocken.

Chanel is selling a high-priced boomerang for $1,930 as part of their luxury collection. Finally, money my wife can't throw away.

A blogger is suing the Food Network for stealing her signature recipe. The judge said he will try the case... with a roasted Chateaubriand, with a red-wine, and creamed mushroom sauce.

A group of mummies were found in Lithuania, with some almost completely preserved and life like, as if they were just sitting around, trying to unwind.

The latest ridiculous food trend to hit the internet —pickle juice soda. It tastes a lot like Coke-a-cola Vlasic.

I hear the new iphone-8 will be made of glass. You should see the colorful one my priest ordered.

Thirty-five hundred people will attend the Dutch funeral expo to dig up the latest in death trends. I think I'll join them in the morning.

Bob Marley's grandson has signed a contract to play in the NFL. They'll have to come up with a new penalty, illegal use of the turf.

A new study finds that being skinny is linked to depression. It reminds me of the time I lost all that weight, and I found out I really didn't have a pretty face.

Scientists are now growing eye cells to repair corneas, a major source of vision problems and blindness. I would think they saw that coming.












Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Larry's Latest Laughs #185

I just booked a flight on United Airlines. They asked if I had a problem with being stuffed in the overhead compartment.

When Chuck Berry passed through the Pearly Gates, the angels didn't hear church bells. They heard ding-a-lings.

Some offices now have sensors that tell your boss when you've left your desk. I'd like to have a sensor that tells me when the boss is standing behind me.

If you were sick when the time changed, lucky you. It was one less hour of feeling miserable.

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John will play Danny and Sandy for Grease's 40th anniversary. The song "You're the One That I Want," has been changed to, "You're the One That I want ...(To Get My Teeth Out of That Glass.)"

Jimmy, a 13-year-old brown tabby cat in New Jersey went missing about 2 years ago. Last week, after a tearful reunion, Jimmy was asked what it was like to be back with his human family. Jimmy replied, "Eh."

A college in Canada removed the scales from their gym after students complained it could trigger an eating disorder. They replaced it with one that says out loud, "There, there, you'll be okay. You're beautiful in every way."

Another guy tried to jump the fence at the White House. This one, literally, got caught on the fence. Secret Service left him there and hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on him.

Police in Indianapolis are investigating after a woman assaulted her mother with a cheeseburger at McDonald's. The mother told police, the relationship with her daughter has been a bit McFrosty.

Experts claim thousands of people could live in colonies orbiting the Earth in 20 years. Send the college kids looking for safe space.

Facebook's mysterious hardware group, Building 8, is working on Augmented Reality and mind control. They'll never be as good as my wife.













Friday, January 27, 2017

Larry's Latest Laughs #174


My wife started "aggressive" yoga classes which incorporates cardio, CrossFit and boxing to get fitness results. After she was through she beat the hell out of me with the mat.

There is now a head set that records brain waves and then composes original music to uplift its users. I put mine on and all I kept hearing was the dinner bell.

A Shanghai building now has the fastest elevator in the world. It goes up at 40 MPH. It's so fast, you get to the top floor before the music does.

Wal-mar Stores Inc is jumping into car sales through partnership with dealership groups. The cars will now come with kids crying in the back seat.

Police in India have recovered more than 6,000 freshwater turtles that were to be smuggled to Southeast Asia. One Indian official said, "We could have recovered more but in the beginning it was slow going."

You can know get pain relief with the touch of a button. It's a gadget that zaps you numb. I put it in my seat cushion when my mother-in-law comes to visit.

This could be fake new but I read the Podium is boycotting the inaugural.

On Saturday, the Satanic Temple of Los Angels held their biggest event ever: a massive satanic mass. It was either that or a bunch of lawyers.

So, do you think congress will repeal the bill to repeal the bill they didn't read before they passed it?

Scientists in Massachusetts have now grown a full size beating heart from stem cells. The mayor of San Francisco said, "That's nothing. People around here have been tripping over them for years."

A new study examines nature's trade-offs: Brawn v. Brains and Looks v. Loyalty....Love v. Money? Older people have that one figured out.

A McDonald's at the Vatican. "Would you like a Rosary with that."

Terrebonne Parish officials commemorated the opening of the newly refurbished women's jail with a ribbon cutting ceremony and guided tours. White shrimp boots were the new black.