Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Moonlight Down South

The moon was the closest I’d ever seen and its light cascading off the water toward my wife and I seemed only for us, the Gulf Coast’s breeze making us wish for more days but romanticism comes to an end when a couple has other commitments. With my right arm gently wrapped around her newly tanned shoulder I said, “This is nice, a great way to end a lovely Memorial Day weekend.”
“Yes, it was nice. I’m so glad we got to spend some time together.”
“I wish it would never end,” I sighed.
“Well, it’s not over yet.” She said with a sly grin. “We still have tonight all to ourselves.”
“So, what would you like to do?” I asked, prodding to get her to say more.
“Are you kidding? We’re down south in Mississippi. I want to go to hog heaven.”
“Oh, I’m gonna take you to hog heaven. I’m going to take you to hog heaven and back.”
She must have noticed the twinkle in my eye.
“No, you idiot. I mean Hog Heaven, the restaurant next to the hotel.”
“Oh… yea, sure honey. I’d love some barbeque."
“I love you."
“I love you, too, Pookie.”           

Sunday, May 19, 2013


Is the IRS telling lies 
to punish those conservatives?
I hope not
Because that is “whack.”
(Unless, you are a democrat.)

They ream us on our pay checks,
And soon will take our health.
It won’t be long until they get,
Their hands on all our wealth.

I hope I don't die sooner
Without a pot to wee
And pray that feeling up my butt,
Is a colonoscopy.

Friday, May 17, 2013

School Board to Remove the Sound "Bang"

           Vegan Parish, LA- After removing all references to guns in schools and suspending students for using everyday items such as pencils and fingers to play cops and robbers, gun control advocates in this small liberal town have now decided to take it a step further and ban words that make the sound “bang.”

          Beemore Stricter, School Superintendent for The Vegan School System stated, “Effective immediately, the following words will be banned in public schools: bang, bangle, whole shebang, banged (unless talking about sex between a student and teacher) gangbang (unless talking about sex between a teacher and students) and Bangkok (unless referring to one night in…)

          Mary Jo Sanders, the Vegan City Librarian said, “This is not the message we want to send our students. Banning words and censorship is not the path I would take. Now excuse me I have a tutoring session with the quarterback of the football team.”


This and more later today.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Mother's Day 2013

By: Larry Hyatt
Sung to tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody” By Queen.

Momma…you are my friend.
And now you’re getting old
And I’m changing your Depends.
Momma…That’s quite OK
Cause without
I would be in disarray.

Didn’t mean to make you cry,
I didn’t know I would
Take the path I walked on
But your love never trailed
You believed, though, I would fail.

Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

I was a little bitty brat that was bad.
“Whip his ass, whip his ass then we’ll make him do the right thing.”
He won’t do his school work and he has a silly smirk.

 Miss Hyatt, NO! We cannot whip ass!
(Whip his ass!)
Miss Hyatt, NO! We cannot whip his ass!
(Whip his ass!)
Miss Hyatt, NO!
(Whip his ass! Whip his ass! Whip his little redhead ass!)

No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
"Oh momma mia, momma mia,
Momma mia, whip his ass.”
He is the devil spawn and
He will be the death of me.
Of me, of meeeeeeee.

 (Big Music)

Mom, you’re the one who still loves me with all of my flaws,
Unconditionally, that is what gives them some pause.
Oh…. baby, you are the one who has saved me.
You won’t concede that I won’t succeed in this world.

(More big music)

Nothing really matters
Except my love for thee.
I love you oh so much.
I thank you oh so much.
For… accepting me….
As me.
(Whichever way the wind blows.)

Happy Mother’s Day

Sunday, May 5, 2013

May 5th, 2013

Sung to the tune of "La Cucaracha"

Cinco de Mayo,
Is, what today I cheer.
For our friends south,
Of the border,
Wait…they’re already here.