Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Larry's Latest Laughs #185

I just booked a flight on United Airlines. They asked if I had a problem with being stuffed in the overhead compartment.

When Chuck Berry passed through the Pearly Gates, the angels didn't hear church bells. They heard ding-a-lings.

Some offices now have sensors that tell your boss when you've left your desk. I'd like to have a sensor that tells me when the boss is standing behind me.

If you were sick when the time changed, lucky you. It was one less hour of feeling miserable.

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John will play Danny and Sandy for Grease's 40th anniversary. The song "You're the One That I Want," has been changed to, "You're the One That I want ...(To Get My Teeth Out of That Glass.)"

Jimmy, a 13-year-old brown tabby cat in New Jersey went missing about 2 years ago. Last week, after a tearful reunion, Jimmy was asked what it was like to be back with his human family. Jimmy replied, "Eh."

A college in Canada removed the scales from their gym after students complained it could trigger an eating disorder. They replaced it with one that says out loud, "There, there, you'll be okay. You're beautiful in every way."

Another guy tried to jump the fence at the White House. This one, literally, got caught on the fence. Secret Service left him there and hung a "Do Not Disturb" sign on him.

Police in Indianapolis are investigating after a woman assaulted her mother with a cheeseburger at McDonald's. The mother told police, the relationship with her daughter has been a bit McFrosty.

Experts claim thousands of people could live in colonies orbiting the Earth in 20 years. Send the college kids looking for safe space.

Facebook's mysterious hardware group, Building 8, is working on Augmented Reality and mind control. They'll never be as good as my wife.













Friday, January 27, 2017

Larry's Latest Laughs #174


My wife started "aggressive" yoga classes which incorporates cardio, CrossFit and boxing to get fitness results. After she was through she beat the hell out of me with the mat.

There is now a head set that records brain waves and then composes original music to uplift its users. I put mine on and all I kept hearing was the dinner bell.

A Shanghai building now has the fastest elevator in the world. It goes up at 40 MPH. It's so fast, you get to the top floor before the music does.

Wal-mar Stores Inc is jumping into car sales through partnership with dealership groups. The cars will now come with kids crying in the back seat.

Police in India have recovered more than 6,000 freshwater turtles that were to be smuggled to Southeast Asia. One Indian official said, "We could have recovered more but in the beginning it was slow going."

You can know get pain relief with the touch of a button. It's a gadget that zaps you numb. I put it in my seat cushion when my mother-in-law comes to visit.

This could be fake new but I read the Podium is boycotting the inaugural.

On Saturday, the Satanic Temple of Los Angels held their biggest event ever: a massive satanic mass. It was either that or a bunch of lawyers.

So, do you think congress will repeal the bill to repeal the bill they didn't read before they passed it?

Scientists in Massachusetts have now grown a full size beating heart from stem cells. The mayor of San Francisco said, "That's nothing. People around here have been tripping over them for years."

A new study examines nature's trade-offs: Brawn v. Brains and Looks v. Loyalty....Love v. Money? Older people have that one figured out.

A McDonald's at the Vatican. "Would you like a Rosary with that."

Terrebonne Parish officials commemorated the opening of the newly refurbished women's jail with a ribbon cutting ceremony and guided tours. White shrimp boots were the new black.