Saturday, March 30, 2013

An Interview with the Easter Bunny

When asked recently to sit down with the illustrious Peter Cottontail and find out the state of Easter I quickly said yes. Being a Christian, a chocoholic, and a fan of Elmer Fudd, I wanted to know if Peter was a “Wascally Wabbit.”

We met at a Starbucks, next to a Pet Smart. Peter mentioning over the phone that the proximity to other animals, Starbuck’s awareness of animal issues, “having the best freakin’ latte,” plus, being outdoors is where he feels most comfortable. He was wearing a very colorful vest over his snow white fur, his voice much lower than I expected, resonate and hauntingly persuasive.
Larry: Thank you so much for meeting with me sir.

Peter:  I always love it when I can talk to my “Peeps.”
Larry:  Ha! That’s a good one, sir…

Peter: Oh, please, call me Peter.
Larry: You’re much taller than I expected, Peter.

Peter:  Yea, I get that. That’s another reason I selected the outdoor patio. These ears can get in the way.
Larry: How tall are you?

Peter: It varies. I can control my ears and then by dipping my head or pulling my feet to my chest I can become much smaller. It helps when going into smaller homes.
Larry: You brought up feet. Having I would think the luckiest rabbit’s foot, has that ever been a problem, someone trying to get a foot?

Peter: In the south I’ve run into it a few times but being magical I can easily persuade.
Larry:  How do you mean?

Peter: Well, it was Easter morning, early. I was finishing up in a section by the Mississippi Gulf Coast. There I was, hippity-hoppity, you know, down the bunny trail, keeping Easter on its way. I ran into some frat boys shooting guns in the back of a house. It was twenty-somethings having fun. Well, I had to get in the house. I had to get to the baskets and I don’t leave anyone out. So, this guy was drunk and yells to his buddies something like, “Hey look the Easter Bunny.  Let’s cut off his foot.” I thought hell, I ain’t got time for this but he approached me pointing the gun so I grabbed it, turned him around and stuck my foot up his ass. It wasn’t pretty. He screamed. His fraternity brothers screamed. Hell, I even screamed. My foot was pretty far up his ass.
Larry: It wasn’t his Lucky day, huh?

Peter: Not by a long shot, my friend. Not by a long shot.
Larry: So, tell us, what’s the best part of the job?

Peter: Oh, I love my job, especially the kids. You gotta love the kids, their excitement; it’s the next best thing since Christmas. Then there’s the bright colors, the clothes, I do like the spring clothes, families dressing up, my wife likes that. She looks forward to wearing white after Easter. Actually, this is the most enjoyable job in the world. It’s important, yes, stressful yes, but such a pleasure. Look, I’m a rabbit yet I get to bring joy to people, young and old. I’m the luckiest bunny in the world.
Larry: Anything tick you off?

Peter: Nothing really gets me mad. Are there things that I wish people wouldn’t say, do, or not do, that sort of thing, of course?
Larry: What are some?

Peter: The joke about me and the chicken getting together to get Easter eggs, lame, very lame. My wife doesn’t care anymore but my kids hear those and believe me I got more than a few basket loads of kids. Hell, I breed like a…well, like a rabbit.
Larry: Anything else?

Peter: Changing my name to “The Spring Bunny” is kind of strange. I wish people wouldn’t do that.
Larry:  What’s your favorite song?

Peter: Sammy Davis Jr. “The Candy Man.”
Larry: Favorite thing to bring children?

Peter: Jelly beans for Tommy and colored eggs for Sister Sue, although, I do enjoy bringing toys. That started with the Baby Boom. The economy was better. The economy, situations in the household, and people’s outlook on life has a lot to do with what materializes in people’s baskets. One’s Easter basket can be a metaphor for one’s life.
Larry: Favorite Movie?

Peter: Fatal Attraction.
Larry: Really?

Peter: No, I’m just messing with you. I don’t watch a whole lot of movies. I do like Willie Wonka when he’s in the candy garden. I guess with the family life I end up watching a lot of TV. I like “Idol”, less now because of Nikki Minaj. Her hair is nice and colorful but her speaking voice rubs me a bit.
Larry: What has changed for you through the years?

Peter: Wow… Plenty... Too much to go into but I will say this. I’m the Easter Bunny. You may not believe in me and that’s fine that’s your loss. The same with Santa, it’s your loss. But do you remember when you woke up on Easter morning with not a care in world, fixed on nothing but seeing a basket of candy, running to the den or living room, your mother or dad, family, whatever, following, anticipating your reaction? That is magical. That is me. That is the Easter Bunny.
Larry: Thank you, Peter.

Peter: Thank you and Happy Easter.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

60 Seconds Inside a Woman's Head- Episode 241

Gee… I just don’t understand why the guys in the office are excited about this March thing…What is it? March Madness? …What a weird name…I realize its March, but why are they mad… March is just a month… Be mad at April, that’s when it rains…but then again those showers are for May flowers...I wonder if the pilgrims had flowers…I would think so…they named their ship after them…Maybe, I could plant some pretty flowers…a garden, even…I wouldn’t need much…Of course, I would need mulch…ha, ha, I made a funny…Let’s see, seeds, and gloves, gotta have gloves…real nice ones…maybe a shovel… and seeds, I need seeds, definitely seeds… Wait a minute…This is maddening…It’s too early in the year for me to start a project…Hell, it’s only March… I don’t want to be mad at March… Aw, gees… now I’m in the mood to do something exciting…Maybe it’s not too late to fill out those “bracelets” with the guys at the office…

Sunday, March 17, 2013

To My Love On St. Patrick's Day

I woke up feelin’ Irish today.
I hope you did by chance,
If I would not have drank so much,
I’d do the river dance.
Cause Irish now is how I feel,
Last night we were so bad-y,
Can I slap your ass, one more time?
And ask you “Who’s your Paddy?”
I’m sorry about the brawl last night,
I know you didn’t condone it.
I should have just beat up myself,
I was the best opponent.
Yes, I am Irish, I feel strong,
Completely to the bone,
I love, I fight,
I got your back,
I‘ll kiss the Blarney Stone.
Now throw the covers,
Back over our head,
We’ll hold each other and maybe,
With luck, I’ll get some Irish Spring,
Back in me ole’ shillelagh.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Technology to Fuse with Rose Colored Glasses

By: Larry Hyatt
Houma, LA - Dr. Rhett N’ah, an optometrist considered by peers to be on the cutting edge of Lasik, now offers his patients the chance to fuse the technology of Goggle Glasses with “rose colored glasses” giving people around the world the ability to block out information considered burdensome, thus ensuring one’s ignorance being bliss.
Dr. N’ah stated, “I am the first to do this. Basically, what I do is take away the guilt that wouldn’t compliment one’s originality while finding out the, who, what, where, when, and how, while face to face. It allows the wearer to, how should I say, keep their head in the sand, especially when another person is putting on a false pretense that could lead to personal problems down the road. That’s what I want my patience to avoid. The problems down the road.”

This and more later today….

Friday, March 1, 2013

City Hall Last February

City Hall was aghast. Public Planning came to a standstill. Even the Mayor didn’t know what to do being up for re-election in just a few short months. There were wide eyes and whispers and for those who chose to ignore the incident, their silence was deafening. For there, on the table in the break room, was a chocolate cake with writing on the top that said, “Happy Black History Month.”

Who could be so insensitive, a “chocolate” cake? Why would someone turn such an innocent, party time, celebratory confection into a tool to put the politically correct on edge?

Mayor Chambers tried to disarm the situation. “Well, what do we have here a delicious looking cake? I haven’t had breakfast yet, I’ll think I’ll have a piece.”

With that, he took a knife and sliced out the word, “Black,” took a big bite and quickly went into his office.

Chet, from planning, looked at the group and followed the mayor’s lead, picked up the knife and while cutting out the words “History” and “Month” said, “Yea, this cake does look good. It’s Friday and everybody knows calories don’t count on Friday.” Quickly, he was gone.

Realizing this was the way to go, Sarah who worked the phones advanced to the table, picked up the knife and awkwardly said, “I guess I’ll be going to the gym this weekend,” and cut out the word, “Happy” and moved the piece toward her mouth.
Just then, in walked Liz, the only black employee who said, “Morning everyone did you all see the cake I brought?”
“Yes, it’s delicious,” said one “It’s beautiful,” said another and everyone moved quickly to get to their places of work.

Liz, looking down at the cake saw the hole cut out of the middle and thought, “That’s strange they cut out the words. Why on earth? Oh my, I wonder if I…Oh goodness I hope they didn’t think I wanted to… Good Lord, chocolate is my favorite.”

Nothing was said until the last day of the month when another cake was found with the very same writing. Liz, this time made a sly smile and said, “I wonder what they’ll think this time,” while placing on the table a “Coconut” cake.