Sunday, January 27, 2013

Women in the Military

Sung to the tune of “American Woman”
By:  The Guess Who

American Woman…
Now in the military,
American Woman...
Now all that she can be.
No more washing or cleaning the floor,
No more men just holding a door,
She won’t stand for any less,
The enemy will learn PMS.

Now Woman…
You'll get more money,
American Woman...
So much more cunning,
She’ll remember everything you do,
Go back home and feed a kid or two,
Bring home the bacon fry it up in a pan,
Then kick the ass of the Taliban.

Yes mothers…
Aunts and daughters,
Can now lead us...
To a slaughter,
She won’t shirk and she won’t choke,
Now she’ll even work the remote.
I’d put money on many kills,
Get the Real Housewives from Beverly Hills.

Doo doo doooooo
doo doo…doo doo doooooooo
Doo doo… dooooo
doo doo… doo doo…doooooo


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Lets Try Verse

Evening at the Museum
By: Larry Hyatt

Two women sit comfortably, legs crossed,
On a bench in the park,
Waiting to start,
The night shadow poking its head,
Knowing the queue will get their fate when dark.

Scantily clad, even obscene.
Smoking, trails rising to the street light,
Trying to get away like so many young girls,
Childhoods stained by awkward moves.
But, remembered through opened arm twirls.

Small talk, girl talk, boy talk, sex talk,
They’ll whisper and holler,
All for the dollar,
Metered time for only the boy,
“Stay and play. I’ll blow your mind.
Whatever, I won’t decline.”
They’ll hear it again and again in the night,
The low guttural sounds of unspoken joy.

One of two women,
Comfortably standing on a street corner,
The park bench taken,
The love there bending forward,
Hands griping a waist,
She waits for another self
To hear that sound that lets her go.

But no,
The night is long.
Then comes desperation,
And to run would be futile.

They need each other.
Two women,
Comfortably sitting on a bench in the park,
Smoking, coughing, trying to hide,
Lighting a pipe, no desperation now,

 But the museum can see them.

Two women,
Comfortably sitting on a bench in the park,
One waves her hand and runs for cars,
The other works the bars.
The bench, now not taken;
The park, alone and dark.
The museum’s eyes close.
It condones.
While two women,
Finally, go to their homes.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Lady Gaga to Perform at Inaugural

In a move to build on the excitement of Aretha Franklin’s hat from the last Presidential Inaugural, singer/dancer, and meat wearing fashionista, Lady Gaga will perform for President Obama when he takes the oath of office for a second time.

Liberals, a few Conservative teenagers, and butchers from across the nation are very excited about the “prime-select” and think it’s an excellent “choice.”

Gaga, who recently was chided buy the left for wearing a gun bra in the wake of new gun control laws said, “The performance will be Gaga-fab-a-lish-ous and will truly express what is to come politically in the next four years. I, along with the girl who’s married to Jay-Z…uh…what’s her name again? Beyonce? And that other girl singer, Katy Mary…We are gonna set DC on fire.”

When asked what to expect from her performance, Gaga said, “A lot of symbolism. I’m coming out wearing money; cash on my private places, representing the stimulus with a huge tree on my head. My dancers, dressed as the little people, will represent the 97% and clamor for the cash in a musical array of dance moves and lights.”

One Inaugural official stated, “We expect Lady Gaga to bring a subtle approach. The folks are hurting out there. Now’s not the time party."

This and more later today…

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Tour de What?

When the famed cyclist Lance Armstrong, in his last Tour de France, (Pronounced “frahnz” for this story) fell off his bike, picked it up, ran to a pizza parlor, ordered a large thin crust veggie and while carrying it and his broken bike won the race, I thought, “He could be doping.”
For years I thought it was the French who was diss-in’ our boy, the Testicular Cancer survivor who seven consecutive times won the (say it right) Tour de France. I guess my American pride kept me in the dark.
Striped of his titles he now gets a second chance with Oprah and the millions who will watch the interview this week. It’s expected he will come clean, fix the flat, get his axle out of a crack, tighten the nut… wait, forget that one. Basically, explain why the wheels stopped turning.
I’m curious. This man is/was a role model to all cancer survivors. He founded the Livestrong Foundation and has raised millions of dollars for charity and sure played the part of a winner.
I hope he explains how Armstrong can have such a weak head.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

We got goosed.

Just checked my pay and had to say,
The money seemed to go away.
I thought my ass, the middle class,
Would get away but then alas,
What’s “good for the goose,”
Can be for the gander,
Our politicians owe us candor.

So we take the hit, but I won’t quit,
And what about the people fit?
Make them legit, their money’s it
We’ll all reap the benefit.
Drop down a noose,
It will get grander,
Politicians love to pander.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Five Days In

Five days ago I awoke positive of the new beginning. Anticipating the promise I  stacked the deck by running a 15k three days earlier that almost killed me, believing it is how you end the year that counts, too.
But, on January 1st, cleaning the carport, waiting for the family to show up, I noticed our lawn mower was stolen, again. I thought I was smarter but this year the thieves just cut the lock.
January 2nd, I noticed my car’s transmission was slipping. The transmission fluid on my driveway explained that problem. (This is the car I had to buy after the hit and run last year.)
On the 3rd, I tried cooking macaroni and cheese for my three year old granddaughter, the single serve that she loves so much, but the inside of the microwave caught on fire. It was rather cool for her see the fireworks she missed on New Year’s Eve because she was sick but she really wanted the macaroni and cheese. I explained that the microwave is broken and she innocently asked, “Paw Paw, does it need batteries?”
January 4th, my wife and I, both home for lunch wanted to toast bread for a sandwich but, are you with me here? The toaster was toasted.
Now, today is my wife’s birthday and today I realize that whatever life throws at me I can handle as long as she is near.
My favorite “wife story” is from when I met her. I was the emcee at a nightclub. Hanging at the bar, watching the singers perform, she walked in the room. Astonished at something that can be so beautiful, I asked, “Who… is… that?”  The bartender, replied, “I don’t know, but I’m going to find out,” and he was gone.
So let’s sum up my year, five days in.
Lawn mower- $150.00
Toaster- $24.99… Maybe?
My wife…Priceless...Absolutely.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The NRA in Dancing Now

Washington DC:  Michelle Obama, in a move to get gun control advocates to join her fight against America’s obesity, has joined with producers of “Dancing With the Stars,” and will now shoot at people to inspire them to exercise.
The First Lady said, “Barack and I feel this can be a non-partisan issue in which everyone can agree. People against gun control can shoot others yet still be health conscious while people for gun control can get their groove on.”
Judge Bruno acclaimed, “This is unprecedented in the dancing world, sexy yet edgy, thrusting hips, swiveling bodies, coming together in an erotic journey of pulsations, not to mention those moves trying to get out of the way of freakin’ bullets and good god man, they say it takes two to tango, I’m putting my money on Siamese Twins.”

This and more later today