Larry's Latest Laughs # 190

A professor says face-reading artificial intelligence will soon be able to detect your politics. It will also prove your elected official is two faced.

A police suspect, in Surf City, North Carolina, attempted to elude police officers by taking to the open ocean. He was rescued while being pursued by a shark. Them lawyers are pretty fast.

New study says slow walkers have a better chance of dying young. Billy Joel was wrong.

A retired postman saved his drowning tortoise's life after performing CPR, for almost an hour. The guy said, “I didn’t want to quit and just kept going. I kept wondering why it was taking so long. Then, I realized he was tortoise.”

I didn't hurt my retinas by looking at the eclipse. However, I did poke myself in the eye when I took off my tin foil hat.

German police are looking for an outlaw gang, who stole 44,000 pounds of Nutella, from a trailer. Officials said they received thousands of requests from people to please find out who it was. They want to join the gang.

A brand new fancy wine bar is being planned at Disney. Can't wait to see all the princesses get together, dance, hang out, and let their hair down.

The Falcons' new stadium has a Chick-fil-A, which won't be open for the games on Sunday. When the Saints play there, the Falcons might as well take off, too.

The sale of Glen Campbell's records have gone up 13,000 percent. The sale of Campbell's autograph has gone up, too. I even heard, the sale of "Campbell's Soup" has gone up.

When Glen Campbell walked through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked him why he had a little skip in his step. He said, "I still have that subway token and a dollar tucked inside my shoe."

Philadelphia's tax on sugary drinks has made soda more expensive than beer in the city. Beer makers rejoice. Coke drinkers find it soda-scuss-ting

I told the wife I was scared to swim in the pool because of that brain eating amoeba. She said go ahead and swim. You have nothing to worry about.

A brawl forced the temporary lock-down of a San Francisco mall. Officials said it wasn't really a fight. One of the mall walkers tripped and the others kept falling on top of him.

The ‘Bovine Bandits’ were nabbed in Polk Co. Florida after stealing cows, then selling them at auction. Looks like going to jail will be... unavoida-bull.