Larry's Latest Laughs #194

To make it more humane, a Maine lobster pound is using marijuana smoke to sedate the lobsters before they cook them. They blow the smoke into the the box along with the water. They call it a Cheech Marin-nade.

During the Carolina floods, it was said The Cajun Navy had gone missing. The North Carolina police did find them. The Cajun Navy said next time, they won't bring their fishing poles.

An 83-year-old Japanese woman has been named to the Guinness World Records as the oldest club DJ. She says she loves doing the mash-ups, because that's the only way she can eat her food.

NASA announced they found ice on the surface of the moon. To learn more, officials are sending Michelle Kwan, Nancy Kerrigan and Kristi Yamaguchi.

Always one to listen, a politician told me the tax cuts go to the greedy rich. I thought about voting against them and told my wife. She said, no you're not. Now, I don't know who to be mad at, the rich, my wife, or the politician who told me.

Disneyland now serves alcohol. The sports bar that features the princesses is a big hit. It's said to be a ladies night out you don't want to miss.

SeaWorld is eliminating 125 positions. One official, said the cost cutting move will close down some of the schools.

Larry's Latest Laughs #193

A new study found chimpanzee beds are cleaner than those of humans. Can't argue there. If it's true we come from dust under my bed alone is the birth of a nation.

Men, ages 70 and 72, got in a fight over who cut in the cheese sample line at Costco. Nothing Gouda ever comes from something like that.

Donald Trump says he would give himself an A+ for his work as president. Stormy Daniels gave him double D's.

Archaeologist in Egypt stumbled upon a new discovery dating back to more than 2,5000 years, a mummification workshop near Egypt's famed pyramids. In the first chamber, posted in hieroglyphics, were Workman's Compensation, and Slave Labor Laws.

A tanker truck in Jefferson, Iowa flipped and spilled 4,000 gallons of milk. Police said crews took several hours to clean up the mess because everyone who tried to help kept crying uncontrollably.

A UK couple who've been married for 70 years say they've never argued. "We have a perfect relationship," the man said. "She does her thing...and I do hers."

People who are young at heart say you're never too old to get a tattoo. How much would it cost to have written on my back, "I've fallen and I can't get up?"

Two elderly men escaped a retirement home to go to a heavy metal music festival. Hey, if you're not off your rocker, get off your rocker, and rock.

Stormy Daniels was awarded the key to a California city yesterday. Handing her the key was a pizza guy, pool boy, and the UPS man.

Archaeologist in Jordan found a 14,000 year old bread loaf believed to be the oldest ever found. The leader of the exhibition said, "There is more to discover. I think we're on a roll."

The world's oldest person Chiyo Miyako has died in Japan at age of 117. Her 100 year old daughter said. "I hated to see her go, but now I can finally eat first."

HGTV has bought the 'Brady Bunch' house and will restore it to it's "70's glory." Don't let the Property Brothers near it. They'll find a thousand things wrong with it before they begin.

This weekend, if you're looking to catch a good movie with the kids, I heard the Lego movie was well put together.

Today is National Scavenger Hunt Day! When I was a kid my babysitter's boyfriend used to send me on those all the time.

I told my wife that today was National Catfish Day! She said, "You'll fit right in. You have a hard head."

How many of you would like to see Judge Judy appointed to the Supreme Court? She could end each case with, "We're done!" If anyone talks backs, "I said, we're done!"

Larry Latest Laugh's # 192

An Elderly Care Home in England brought in pole dancers to entertain residents. The show had the men’s teeth chattering…while they were still in a the glass.

Today is National Almond Day. King Tut was buried with a handful of almonds believed to give him nutrients on the road to the hereafter. If you’re going to the hereafter, you might want to have your hands on your nuts.

I saw on Facebook of the 10 Louisiana politicians who voted no on the bestiality law. I guess they’ll always love ewe.

A guy in Clearwater, Florida, tried to leave a pet store with an exotic fish by stuffing it down his pants. The manager said he was easy to spot. He was the guy dancing wildly around the tank that held the piranhas.

A West Virginia woman was arrested for beheading her boyfriend and as they drove her away from the bloody scene, she told the cops, “You have to take me back and let me get my heads.” To which the cop said, “That’s where we be heading.”

Rage Yoga’ is posing while cursing loudly, drinking alcohol, and listening to metal music. My wife does that while getting into the pants.

Now 72, the man from Spain who was raised by wolves in a cave for 12 years as a young boy, now admits he’s disappointed with human life. But, he did say he enjoyed the Twilight Series, and still has that thing for Grandmas.

A 54-year-old Ohio woman was arrested Saturday afternoon for allegedly making lewd comments to an Easter Bunny at a carousel park. He was then fired when he tried to rub the hare on her leg.

With DNA from a museum specimen, scientists reconstructed the genome of a bird extinct for 700 years. Impressive, but what I’d still rather see is KFC come up with a three legged chicken.

An expert claims human speech will be replaced by thought communication by 2050. Good. I was really tired of saying, duh.

A new study of the air around Los Angeles finds that hairspray, paint, and deodorant rival cars for harmful atmospheric pollutants. That, in a city where it’s better to look good than to feel good.

An 82 year old Milkman in Montreal is retiring after 67 years on the job. He started when he was 15 years old and never left the neighborhood. He said, “I had no choice, I’m 82 , not 22.” He then went on to say it’s only a coincidence that all the people on the block look the same.

A woman said she didn’t smile for forty years to avoid wrinkles and it is crucial to her good looks. She said it was easy. She works for the IRS.

Larry's Latest Laughs #191

Heard some Olympic athletes were taking a knee during the games. I thought it was Un-American, till I found out it was the Curling Team.

With all the sexual harassment cases in the news, the boss posted a new dress code policy. No neckties because of where they point.

Tomorrow, California will become the sixth U.S. state, to legalize, regulate, and tax sales of recreational marijuana. Officials said it was a joint effort.

Conxxxion Adult Store on Hollywood Rd. in Houma was robbed last night. The robber really did have a pistol in his pocket.

 In the Conxxxion Adult Store robbery last night, a customer was also robbed of twenty dollars. They didn't release his name. I'm sure he was just in there getting a gag gift.

Today is National Bacon Day!
They'll be a whole look of bacon goin' on.

We'll be doing another performance of Jesus Christ Superstar, Palm Sunday. I'll once again play Apostle Peter. I'm calling it a Re-Pete.

Florida is still the 3rd most populous state, keeping New York forth in line. To the new residents of Florida, I lift my glass of Metamucil.

Today was the day in 2001 that the Shoe Bomber was caught. He's in the same cell as the Underwear Bomber. They run the jail haberdashery.

Chuck E. Cheese will now offer delivery. Now you won't have to leave your house to watch a family brawl at a pizza party.