Monday, July 26, 2010

I've been Out-ed

I received in the mail recently a letter asking if I wanted to buy a subscription to Out magazine, a magazine highlighting the gay and lesbian lifestyle. It took me aback.
The first thing that came to mind was “Why the hell would I get this?” Then, “Did someone do this as a joke?” Which led to, “My God, how many women does a guy have to sleep with to prove he’s not gay?” And finally, “I’m married.”
I walked into the kitchen and said with a chuckle, “Hey Honey, look at this. It’s a notice to buy a subscription to Out. What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, let’s see Larry. You get Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Journal, and GQ.”
I thought for a moment and said, “Wow, if I was looking to sell gay magazines I would have sent this, too.” Actually, I think it was the Details magazine that put the publisher over the edge but my wife wouldn’t have thought of that.
I used to be hooked on current events. Thus, I had an enormous array of “infomo” periodicals, ever letting my goss-sip-o know what’s going on in my Shangri-La. (Did that sound gay? If it didn’t, throw three snaps back.)
It came from doing radio. I had to know when a celebrity, politician, or everyday knucklehead got his ass in a crack so I can belittle them the next morning. Plus, I like to be in the know.
The Details and the Men’s Journal are only 10 dollars a year and if I can get three jokes every 30 days for less than buck, I’m good.
Men’s Heath is my favorite, tons of useful stuff, fitness, relationships, cuisine, two or three photos of sexy women, the picture in the educational sex video ad in the back, all done with humorous and thoughtful headlines and stories I can read in the bathroom. Men’s Fitness was because I like Men’s Heath so much I could get through it in less than a month and it was added inspiration to keep me exercising.
I love to read. Or, is it that I crave knowledge? If words are close I’ll glance at them. I’ll tilt my head to be nosey.
Are we what we read?
I’ve been reading Men’s Health for so long, I should be fit enough to be on the cover. I guess I’m I not reading hard enough?
I read newspapers to get the news, billboards to see manipulation, plays to study dialogue, shampoo bottles when nothing else is there, and street signs from far away to see if my eyes are going bad. I’m a junky.
I do a comedy bit on TV where I get footage of light up signs with the letters missing and end up spelling something unintended. When the “S” is out at Shoney’s it could be a strip club called “honey’s.” When the “Ch” is out on Chick-fil-a, it’s “ick-fil-a.” When the “C” is out at Tony’s Canal Gas, it’s…you get the picture.
With theatre and radio I became enthralled with the spoken word. I studied accents, fluctuation, and the obligatory emphatic pause. Now it’s the language as written. Are two of my worlds colliding? I hope, coming together.


  1. I love your blogs they're hilarious. One day Hollywood video had the holly cut out so it was Wood Video. also one day at kcil, Cade and I nearly lost it when the computer skipped on the jingle and said "today's best cunt" like twice before going "todays best country"

  2. Well thanks very much. That is funny. Those were some fun days.

  3. ...a healthy fit of laughter is a wonderful way to start one's day. Thanks so much, you cracked me up:)

  4. That's hilarious. My husband gets Men's Health too and I see what you mean. He would be MORTIFIED to receive a subscription to OUT magazine...thanks for the suggestion! ;-)