OBAMA TO TAP BAPTIST FOR SECRET SERVICE

By Larry Hyatt

WASHINGTON. With the President’s Secret Service now having stricter guidelines amidst the Cartagena incident, President Obama’s team has wrapped its arms around the Hooker-Gate scandal and will now use Baptist to fill the holes left by resigning Secrets Service members.

President Obama, in his enthusiasm was quoted as saying, “We need men to fill openings who won’t try to fill an opening, men in positions who are not prone to get in positions, men who get their groove on without getting a groove on. You know what I mean? ”

Aguilera “Boom Boom” Martini, spokesperson for the Cartagena council, welcomes the new regulations. “People don’t realize how hard it gets, working with government officials. Hopefully, now, I won’t have to pretend I’m not dancing.”

The Obama administration does expect only a few to apply and one unnamed official stated, “When given a chance to serve our country, our fellow men and women, and the world population as a whole, its change we can believe in.”

Say it isn't so

It’s Sunday, 11:30am and I’m compelled to make a confession. I never watch Reality TV so if you tell anyone- I kill you. I will go to your house and beat you senseless, cut off your head then kill you. I’m going to be bold, like wearing white after Labor Day or wearing socks with sandals, declaring only to followers because I think you know the true me.
I watch “Say Yes to the Dress.”
It hooked me from the first credits. The beauty of that special day along with romance and fashion, yet reeking of family conflict, shaken not stirred, friends, in-laws, loved and hated, combined with a huge monetary component, often someone else’s money, for something some of the brides have yearned years, even decades to have, some spiteful, willing to sell out a friend in a heartbeat in the name of love makes me want to grab a beer and kick back in my Lazy-Boy. Throw in the editing and production staff that are willing to manipulate people’s emotions for their own gain and it is reality television at its best.
I await, ready to answer out loud for the bride when they’re asked the big question, as if asked to marry all over again, “So, tell me, what will it be? Are you saying yes to the dress?” “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
 OMG, I got to go. It’s coming on again. It’s an episode with a drag queen bridesmaid.
I may never watch the NFL Pre-game again.

You Never Know

The sun was peaking over the line of trees and behind her left shoulder. We were in a restaurant, a morning first date, after the sex, discussing the neighbors’ kid’s playhouse. The place wasn’t much, a Waffle House. The sex and the playhouse- cool, very cool.
We were laughing about how the hell our drunken selves could get to the second floor of something out of Sesame Street. It didn’t have stairs. We had to climb up a ladder through a hole in the floor. I remember her saying something about firemen. I remember thinking, “This woman is going to get hosed.”
“So Jaycee, what do you like to do? What are you into?” I asked.
“I mostly go to work and raise my kids. It keeps me pretty busy, how about you?”
“Hmmm, let’s see, what am I into?” I contemplated. “I like current events. I do like to know what’s going on around me. I’m fairly political.”
“Oh, I never watch news.”
“Well, I also like history. If walls could talk I say. I like to imagine living in the past and seeing antiques and wonder who used them, or try to figure out how this world got to this point.”
“Good Lord, History was my worst subject in school. I hated it. I never could see having to know all that stuff.”
“I’m a Star Wars person. Not a freak about it but it did get me to start sitting in the front at the movie theatre. I thought it was cool to watch those space ships travel all the way across the screen and explode really big, right in front of me.”
“Science Fiction, no, that’s not my thing either.”
I thought, good God, this woman doesn’t care about the past, the present or the future. So, I married her.