Saturday, April 17, 2010

There's Free Money On The Ivory Coast

Oh man, I am stoked! I just got an e-mail from someone on the Ivory Coast who invited me to take part in a business proposition that involved 20 million dollars. It’s a sure thing. Imagine me getting my hands on that kind of money.
I have actually, imagined it, even more millions when I pretend to win the lottery.
I’ve gone through the expressions, jumping up and down, I’ve imagined the sounds of joy when telling my family, I come up with their reactions and think of the things we would all do. Everyone yells, screams, hugs, kisses, we drink champagne, good God, the things we would do and now it’s possible.
Married people from what I hear fight over money. My wife and I don’t have that luxury but I’ll be glad to spar a bit when this Ivory Coast deal goes through. It reminds me of the time we had an argument over money we didn’t have.
We were talking about winning the lottery. I don’t remember the amount but it was the mother load and I said, “If I win, I’d give money to everybody who has ever been nice to me. I’d call people up that I haven’t seen in years and tell them I won the lottery. I’d tell them to take this money for helping me out, way back when I didn’t have anything.”
She asked, “What if it was only a small amount?”
“Then I’d give people small amounts.”
“Like hell you will.”
“Well, I’d have to give something to my family.”
“We would give some to the kids.”
“Well, what about your sisters? If they won a million dollars, you wouldn’t expect to get some money?”
“Hell, No!”
“Well Honey, if my brother or sister won a million dollars, I’m expecting some cash. Whatever they want to give me is fine. But I’m expecting something.”
“They don’t owe us anything,” she said.
“Maybe not you, but they owe me. Damn it,” and I think she took it as if she has never done anything for my family, which she has. Years ago, she calmed my ass down.
I could see where this was going. We were arguing over money we don’t have. How screwed up is that? So we agreed that if I ever won the lottery I would give her 70% and keep 30% to do with what I want.
With that settled I am now able to calculate what my exact winnings would be from the Ivory Coast deal. Let’s see, 10% of 2o is 2 million, multiplied by 3, equals, it’s a shit load. Ball parked its 6 mill, enough to do some damage on the debt of all the people I hold dear.
My mother gets a million. If I know her she’ll leave her money to my sister, brother and me which will eventually come back and go to the three nephews, and my stepchildren. (I got my wife’s kids covered with my 30%, too. I’m not crazy.)
My sister and brother get $500,000.00 a piece.
I have one uncle who will say, “Keep the money” and an aunt who gave me seven hundred dollars to go out and find my fortune when I was 20 years old. I’ve never forgotten that. She gets $500,000.00. She’s been married to a remarkable man who has five children who became my wonderful cousins. They will get a $100,000.00 each, which comes to 1 million, which I hope they will share with their children. I don’t see them often through no fault of their own but after I give the money, I’m looking forward to seeing everyone at the next reunion.
I will give the next million to my wife’s two sisters and brother to be split however they want. Her family is like mine. Blood is thicker than water and with money in the mix we’ll see how thick blood can be. I do know it will be used wisely and given to the lower generation and their grand kids.
With the older generation, my generation, and the lower generation getting the trickle down and my wife still having the 70% I’m ready to surprise the old friends with my last million dollars.
I have three friends who have always believed in me and will get $100,000 each.
I have four colleagues that have made me shine and will receive $50,000.00 each.
I have ten people I have worked with in different capacities through the years that will get $20,000.00 each and $100,000.00 is left for stray family members, drinking buddies, and black mailers. (I’m not a Boy Scout)
With the last $200,000.00 of the Ivory Coast money I’m going to throw the biggest outdoor concert this town has ever seen. It will be on a beautiful autumn day in September, possibly my anniversary and I’ll open the show by flying to the stage in a helicopter, getting out and announcing the biggest acts of the day, acres and acres of land will be filled to capacity with people yelling and screaming as I give back my 30%.
I know I have a few bucks left and the rest of the people will have to grovel for it. You see, I’ve gotten a bit cocky owning all this money. It’s awesome. So where is the Ivory Coast, anyway?

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