Washington, DC: In a new report from The US Fish and Wildlife Service, captive chimps will get major new changes from medical researchers.
A group of chimpanzees, calling themselves “The Spunky
Monkeys,” got their wish by formally complaining about the pay discrepancy
between the ranks in medical marijuana and breeding research, and other monkeys
forced through procedures that probe the prostate.
“We just didn’t think it was right,” said Thumbs, a chimp
from the prostate group looking to get at least $50 an hour. “Those monkeys are
getting high every day, I mean really high, enjoying what researchers call ‘companionship.’
We call it something else, not to mention the food they eat. You run up that cold metal
rod and see if you wouldn't want what the stoners are getting.”
Some medical researchers don’t welcome the changes saying
this isn’t what monkeys are supposed to do for the rest of their lives. Doctor Paige Turner, top researcher at the Monkey See, Monkey Do Research Facility, said, “Young
primates need to learn a skill and move on to better paying jobs like the circus
or becoming a You Tube sensation, and what about the lost art of taking people’s
money for an organ grinder?”
Thumbs, the chimp from the prostate group went on to say,
“I know everyone can’t start at the top but I should get compensated if they’re
gonna start with my bottom.”
The new pay increase goes in effect in July.