It's going to be cold.

                          

NFL officials say today's playoff game in Minnesota will be so cold the teams will use specially designed underwear... It's got a special place to keep their ego.

Go Figure

Just got into an argument with my wife over the 500 million dollar lottery and what we'd do if we won. Couples fight over what to do with their money. We fight over what to do with the money we don't even have.

2015 in Review

By: Larry Hyatt

2015 was a hell of a year.
For some it started great.
Not so much for Tom Brady.
Remember deflate-gate?

Pistorius found guilty,

South Africans were pumped.
The Blade Runner couldn’t believe it.
He said, “I’m really stumped.”

Playboy cancelled naked girls,

Natgeo sales, fantastic.
Young boys will keep their big eye full
But will surely miss the plastic.

Bruce is Caitlyn. Caitlyn is Bruce.

Kylie and Kendall now feel bolder.
They’ll  “Go girl” with their dad, you’ll see,
And look like him when older.

Josh Dugger took a fall from grace,

The sisters picked up his slack.
They’ll have more kids than mom and dad
If they don’t stay off their back.

Cecil the Lion was struck down.

The whole world felt the loss.
I guarantee I’ll heed the warning
When my dentist says to floss.

McDonald’s started late night breakfast,

Subway and Jared, no longer one.
Blue Bell is finally back on the shelf
After giving some the runs.

B.B. King, Scott Weiland,

Jackie Collins could not escape.

Leonard Nimoy thought it quite illogical,
Yogi Berra, “slud” through the Pearly Gates.

The world is much divided.

No black or white, it’s gray.
Trump is even on the stump,
Hill and Bill not going away.

Whatever happens in 2016,

It'll be good and bad you know.
So except it, tell it, “I am here,”
And sing it Adele’s “Hello.”

 

 

Larry's Latest Laughs #1215

Coming up in the news:

Experts say to adapt to the cold on Mars you should live in Antarctica...To adapt to the cold in Antarctica you should live with my ex-wife.

Norway is now "paying" Syrian refugees to leave the country. They're putting them on a dingy and telling them it's a Viking River Cruise.

Officials now say the first human head transplant will take place in China. The surgeon doing the surgery is No Kah Ting Wong.

Now a study shows being a vegetarian is bad for the environment. For some that must be one hell of a dilemma .

The doctor to the stars they called "The Father of Botox" has died in Palm Springs. Everyone at the funeral had the same expression.

I just read smart car seats can now tell the driver's physical and mental state. A really good one can detect hemorrhoids.

A comedian has been elected the president of Venezuela. He'll be in his office every Thursday and wants you to try the veal.

I just clicked my Facebook "2015 Year in Review." It said better luck next year.

and finally...

I was in Walmart the night before Black Friday. There were extremely long lines everywhere, in all departments, winding through the store. I waited in one for two hours then found out it was the ladies' bathroom.

 

 

I Now Drive 55

           Last night when I leaned over to look at the clock next to the bed it was 11:53 PM. I said to the walls, “Another one almost over,” then rolled back and spent the last moments of my birthday looking at the ceiling reminiscing about past ones.

            I remembered adolescent birthday parties with ice cream and a cake made with yellow cake and chocolate icing. My aunt Alice always baked my favorite decorated with cowboys, Batman, or Saints players. I thought of the birthdays that fell on Thanksgiving Day and receiving extra dollar bills from relatives who were reminded of my special day when the all the family gathered for dinner. I would purposely count them in front of the men so they would ask why I had the money and tell them it was my birthday. Sneaky wasn’t it?

            I remembered the birthday at thirteen. My mother wrote Happy Birthday on 13 pieces of paper and placed them around the house. I had to find them all to get the present. She would do things like that. It made life more interesting.

            Through my teens my brother Jimmy would always take me duck hunting on my birthday. I remembered that, those memories lasting a lifetime.

            For my eighteenth birthday I remembered I helped my mother and sister clean the entire house before I was to meet my friend to get in a bar legally for the first time. Lounges now had to let me in no matter how young I looked. Friends started showing up at the house and when a friend I haven’t seen in years came by I realized all the people were there for a surprise party. I not knowingly cleaned up my house for my own surprise party. My mother did things like that. She made life interesting.

           The day I reached age 21 I felt empowered. I remembered that day because I had a swagger. I felt I had arrived. No other single day had done that before and none has since.

            At 30 I spent it on stage performing for the Illusions Night Club crowd. The stage I longed for as a child. I thought, pretty cool.

            I tried to remember, but figured it was somewhere between thirty three and thirty-five, I was on the radio in the morning, then taped something at the television station in the afternoon, then was in a play that night. That birthday was freaking awesome.

            At 40 I spent the first birthday with the women who would be my wife.

            Around the mid 40 birthdays, Percy Sledge would always sing since we always booked him at Visions and the Abyss the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I remembered that.

            At the half century mark I woke up in the French Quarter, part of the city where I was born. I walked to the river and watched the sunrise and thought about how I got to do what I love to do for the last forty-five years and how I live out a boyhood dream, however relative it is to the grand one I had. I remembered 50 is getting up there but it sure didn't feel old.

            And, yesterday at 55, I went to the radio station and did the morning show then bought my wife a Christmas present. I was so excited for her to have it I gave it to her early. (She’ll have another under the tree.) I then did a live broadcast from a restaurant and bar in the afternoon, and later in the evening was sung Happy Birthday by my lovely wife, and two grandkids, oddly hearing Larry, Paw Paw, and Daddy, simultaneously before blowing out a single candle on a chocolate cake. 

            I can’t tell you what I’ll be doing for the next birthday since the only thing constant is change, but I can tell you this. Last night staring at the ceiling I couldn’t remember any November 27^th that was a bad one.

            Thanks all for the birthday wishes. It was very nice of you. I truly thank you.

 

           

 

 

 

Larry's Latest Laugh- #1015

Coming up in the news...An Englishman obsessed with birds who cut off his ears to look like a parrot and wanted a plastic surgeon to make his nose a beak, died today when he choked on a cracker...Film at 11…

The doctor to the stars called "the father of Botox" died in Palm Springs. Everyone at the funeral will have the same expression.

 Today is National Coffee Day. I like mine so strong, the person pouring it stays up at night.

A study says the human fist evolved to punch. I wonder where the human foot was designed to go.

Miley Cyrus will perform a concert where she and the audience will be without clothes. Expect plenty of self in all the selfies.

Playboy got rid of the women in the magazine who are nude. Editors will now make the steamy articles in braille.

A new study shows monkeys like to watch movies. What ticks me off is when their kids kick the back of my seat in the theatre.

My wife told me today was National Bath Tub Day, a day to celebrate the invention of the bathtub and the perfect time for her to light a few candles, grab a glass of her favorite bubbly, pour in bath oils and enjoy a fabulous soak in the tub. I love it when she talks clean to me.

SoCS "Eat"

Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Linda Hill assigns a word. This week it's “eat." She also says we can add letters to it to make a different word. If you would like to learn how to take part in this game of words go to Linda’s site. http://lindaghill.com/2015/09/25/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-sept-2615/

"Eat.”
“Drink and be merry”
“Mary who?”
“Mary and Joseph with the Pope in town.”
“He’s in Philly today?”
"Think he’ll get a sandwich?”
“I don’t think so but I bet he’ll eat a wafer.”
“You mean a waffle?”
“No he’ll eat a communion wafer.”
“How does he know how many he should bring?
“They make a head count.”
“That’s gonna be a lot of wafers, Pete.”