Larry's Latest Laughs #216

Science and Superheros: how close are we to creating real superpowers? Close, my wife tells me she knows what I'm thinking before I do.

I'd like to thank the Facebook friends who shared their friendship videos. I found four people who owe me money.

The German Short Haired Pointer won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. When asked how it felt out there, the dog replied, "Ruff."

Happy Almond Day! You can pronounce it with or without the "L". It's nuts.

An exorcist claims that "beautiful women" are more likely to be possessed by demons. He went on to say, "But don't get me wrong, other women can be, too. I just don't care."

Thousands of blacktip sharks are gathering off the coast of Florida. The presidential primaries are in Florida next month, coincidence?

In a dream my room was dark and a weird man in a moustache was sneaking up on me to suffocate me with my pillow. Fearfully I struggled. I fought him off and awoke screaming, "Damn you Mike Lindell!."

Happy Mailman Day! Thank him for the forever stamps, as long as they last.

The worlds most advanced robot piano can now play any song ever recorded. Music lovers everywhere rejoiced when it refused to play Nickelback.

and finally,

North Korea yet again defied UN resolutions and fired another rocket causing outrage from its members. They issued this statement:
"We're Morally, Ethically,
Spiritually, Physically,
Undeniably and reliably outraged.
And as head of the UN I must aver, I thoroughly examined it.
And we're not only merely outraged, we're really most sincerely outraged."

Larry's Latest Laughs 206

A dangerous strain of dog flu is sweeping the country. Veterinarians are telling patients to, "Catch two Frisbees and call me in the morning."

Scientists say robots will be controlling my life in the very near future. They might want to tell my wife.

A man from England who loved sea salt died of a sodium overdose. Assaulted by sodium, go figure.

Scientists are now saying animals workout just like humans to stay fit. What ticks me off is the turtles hogging the treadmills.

A 23 year old woman in South Carolina bit off the finger of a Walmart clerk because she tried to stop her from shoplifting. When asked about the incident, the clerk said,  "I should have taken that job in the second hand store.”

 

It's going to be cold.

                          

NFL officials say today's playoff game in Minnesota will be so cold the teams will use specially designed underwear... It's got a special place to keep their ego.

Go Figure

Just got into an argument with my wife over the 500 million dollar lottery and what we'd do if we won. Couples fight over what to do with their money. We fight over what to do with the money we don't even have.

2015 in Review

By: Larry Hyatt

2015 was a hell of a year.
For some it started great.
Not so much for Tom Brady.
Remember deflate-gate?

Pistorius found guilty,

South Africans were pumped.
The Blade Runner couldn’t believe it.
He said, “I’m really stumped.”

Playboy cancelled naked girls,

Natgeo sales, fantastic.
Young boys will keep their big eye full
But will surely miss the plastic.

Bruce is Caitlyn. Caitlyn is Bruce.

Kylie and Kendall now feel bolder.
They’ll  “Go girl” with their dad, you’ll see,
And look like him when older.

Josh Dugger took a fall from grace,

The sisters picked up his slack.
They’ll have more kids than mom and dad
If they don’t stay off their back.

Cecil the Lion was struck down.

The whole world felt the loss.
I guarantee I’ll heed the warning
When my dentist says to floss.

McDonald’s started late night breakfast,

Subway and Jared, no longer one.
Blue Bell is finally back on the shelf
After giving some the runs.

B.B. King, Scott Weiland,

Jackie Collins could not escape.

Leonard Nimoy thought it quite illogical,
Yogi Berra, “slud” through the Pearly Gates.

The world is much divided.

No black or white, it’s gray.
Trump is even on the stump,
Hill and Bill not going away.

Whatever happens in 2016,

It'll be good and bad you know.
So except it, tell it, “I am here,”
And sing it Adele’s “Hello.”

 

 

Larry's Latest Laughs #1215

Coming up in the news:

Experts say to adapt to the cold on Mars you should live in Antarctica...To adapt to the cold in Antarctica you should live with my ex-wife.

Norway is now "paying" Syrian refugees to leave the country. They're putting them on a dingy and telling them it's a Viking River Cruise.

Officials now say the first human head transplant will take place in China. The surgeon doing the surgery is No Kah Ting Wong.

Now a study shows being a vegetarian is bad for the environment. For some that must be one hell of a dilemma .

The doctor to the stars they called "The Father of Botox" has died in Palm Springs. Everyone at the funeral had the same expression.

I just read smart car seats can now tell the driver's physical and mental state. A really good one can detect hemorrhoids.

A comedian has been elected the president of Venezuela. He'll be in his office every Thursday and wants you to try the veal.

I just clicked my Facebook "2015 Year in Review." It said better luck next year.

and finally...

I was in Walmart the night before Black Friday. There were extremely long lines everywhere, in all departments, winding through the store. I waited in one for two hours then found out it was the ladies' bathroom.

 

 

I Now Drive 55

           Last night when I leaned over to look at the clock next to the bed it was 11:53 PM. I said to the walls, “Another one almost over,” then rolled back and spent the last moments of my birthday looking at the ceiling reminiscing about past ones.

            I remembered adolescent birthday parties with ice cream and a cake made with yellow cake and chocolate icing. My aunt Alice always baked my favorite decorated with cowboys, Batman, or Saints players. I thought of the birthdays that fell on Thanksgiving Day and receiving extra dollar bills from relatives who were reminded of my special day when the all the family gathered for dinner. I would purposely count them in front of the men so they would ask why I had the money and tell them it was my birthday. Sneaky wasn’t it?

            I remembered the birthday at thirteen. My mother wrote Happy Birthday on 13 pieces of paper and placed them around the house. I had to find them all to get the present. She would do things like that. It made life more interesting.

            Through my teens my brother Jimmy would always take me duck hunting on my birthday. I remembered that, those memories lasting a lifetime.

            For my eighteenth birthday I remembered I helped my mother and sister clean the entire house before I was to meet my friend to get in a bar legally for the first time. Lounges now had to let me in no matter how young I looked. Friends started showing up at the house and when a friend I haven’t seen in years came by I realized all the people were there for a surprise party. I not knowingly cleaned up my house for my own surprise party. My mother did things like that. She made life interesting.

           The day I reached age 21 I felt empowered. I remembered that day because I had a swagger. I felt I had arrived. No other single day had done that before and none has since.

            At 30 I spent it on stage performing for the Illusions Night Club crowd. The stage I longed for as a child. I thought, pretty cool.

            I tried to remember, but figured it was somewhere between thirty three and thirty-five, I was on the radio in the morning, then taped something at the television station in the afternoon, then was in a play that night. That birthday was freaking awesome.

            At 40 I spent the first birthday with the women who would be my wife.

            Around the mid 40 birthdays, Percy Sledge would always sing since we always booked him at Visions and the Abyss the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I remembered that.

            At the half century mark I woke up in the French Quarter, part of the city where I was born. I walked to the river and watched the sunrise and thought about how I got to do what I love to do for the last forty-five years and how I live out a boyhood dream, however relative it is to the grand one I had. I remembered 50 is getting up there but it sure didn't feel old.

            And, yesterday at 55, I went to the radio station and did the morning show then bought my wife a Christmas present. I was so excited for her to have it I gave it to her early. (She’ll have another under the tree.) I then did a live broadcast from a restaurant and bar in the afternoon, and later in the evening was sung Happy Birthday by my lovely wife, and two grandkids, oddly hearing Larry, Paw Paw, and Daddy, simultaneously before blowing out a single candle on a chocolate cake. 

            I can’t tell you what I’ll be doing for the next birthday since the only thing constant is change, but I can tell you this. Last night staring at the ceiling I couldn’t remember any November 27^th that was a bad one.

            Thanks all for the birthday wishes. It was very nice of you. I truly thank you.