Larry's Latest Laughs #173

I just pressed my Facebook Year in Review 2016. It showed a homeless guy, pointing at me, laughing.

A new study claims half of people "remember" events that never happened... Another one said wives know what their husband will do before he thinks of it.

I felt old but didn't know why when I put up my Christmas decorations and my grand kids said they were cool, "So turn of the century."

I read a report that says plants learn like humans. What the heck are vegans going to eat now.

After receiving a barrage of criticism, a Japanese skating rink that froze 5,000 dead fish into the ice as an attraction for visitors has been closed. Oh-fish-ally.

A new study claims monkeys DO have the power to talk. Their lack of speech is because they can't stop laughing at us.

and,

Thai prosecutors have charged an influential Buddhist Monk with money laundering a million dollars.
He claimed he wanted to be "one" in a million.
He wanted to become "one" with the tree. The money tree.
He claimed it paid better than sitting around not knowing everything.

Larry latest Laughs #172

Scientists were stunned when two chimps in the wild were seen using twigs as fishing rods. The recording picked up the female chimp telling the male, "This is the only place you ever take me."

Los Angeles now has a DivorceHotel. You check in married and check out divorced in just two days. Celebrities are pooling together to get a group rate.

Research from the US shows that mice who received human blood plasma from teenagers enjoyed better memory, faster speed, and improved brain function. Well, that, and they could text 500 words a minute.

The New Orleans Zephyrs renamed the baseball team to the "Baby Cakes." Should be interesting when they have to "change the pitcher."

Now that the New Orleans Zephyrs are called the Baby Cakes:
When the batter gets a base on balls, it's a "Cake Walk."
They'll now be calling the Short Stop a "Short Cake."
And, for protection, all players on the team must wear a "Cup-cake."

Last night during the blackout in Houma my wife and I lit candles to make it romantic. The people in Rouses didn’t think it was appropriate.

A guy discovered Vincent van Gogh's sketchbook containing 65 drawings from the artist's 'most important years.' His buddy Claude said he had Monet more.

A Florida man was arrested for domestic battery after striking his live-in boyfriend with a cup of ramen noodles. Police said the victim described the assailant as "Poor and pissy."

I voted for President this morning. Walking out I saw a guy in line holding a rock, paper, and scissors.

Television shows that feature robots will now explore legal marriages to the machines. The first three anniversary gifts will be paper, cotton, then WD40.

A video of a man who wrestled with a giant panda bear after breaking into a zoo enclosure in southern China has gone viral. The guy gave the panda a black eye but no one can tell.

The New York Metropolitan canceled an opera after they thought someone sprinkled cremated ashes in the orchestra pit. Probably one of them de-composers.

Larry's Latest Laughs #171

The World Health Organization wants governments to tax sugary drinks to help people who are obese. It's soda-moralizing.

A new dog book backs up the theory that dogs can tell time with their noses. Duh? They call them watch dogs.

On Facebook my past life analysis says I was born yesterday and ain't got a lick of sense.

Ken Bone, the man in the red sweater who went viral after his question at the presidential debate, has come under fire for comments he supposedly made. Looks like the Ken bones connected to the knee-jerk reaction bone.

I've finally went out on a limb and decided who's side I'm on in the presidential election. I'm on your side.

Larry's Latest Laughs #170

Shortly after golfer Arnold Palmer's ceremonial spreading of his ashes in his home town, a beautiful rainbow appeared over Latrobe Country Club. In the distance you could hear St. Peter yell, "Fore!"

A New Jersey man was arrested on long Beach Island Beach for wearing a bathing suit made of plastic wrap. Police said, "By the looks of it, he clearly broke the law."

I thought I was running well in the 5K this morning until a woman passed me up pushing a kid in a stroller. The kid must have been "juice-in.'"

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn't find where the disc landed and the other couldn't remember why they were looking.

The toy company Hasbro has launched a new life-like robotic dog designed to bring companionship and comfort to aging adults. Officials say it's so real, when you rip one you can blame it on the robot.

Larry's Latest Laughs #169

Scientists claim two dolphins have been recorded having a conversation just like people. They argued over which wine goes best with fish.

The Spice Girls are having a reunion tour but Sporty Spice and Posh Spice are two busy. Add Caitlyn Jenner. Call him Old Spice.

Some researchers now claim trees are able to communicate with each other. Scientists doing the study say trees can get angry but their bark is worst then their bite.

 A fight broke out on a Florida shuffleboard court when an 81-year-old man allegedly struck another with a shuffleboard cue. The men got angry when one couldn't find where the disc landed and the other couldn't remember why they were looking.

Walmart is now working on a self-driving shopping cart. When the wheel starts to wobble it will hobble down the aisle, trailing behind you, making noise.

Now researchers say major earthquakes are caused by the moon? Whose?

Hunters in Iceland found a 1000-year old Viking sword. Scientists claim it's extremely valuable. More so if it was pulled from a stone.

Happy Linguine Day!
If you don't have linguine,
Don't be up-setti.
All it is,
is flat spaghetti....






 

Nice Guys Finish Last

By: Larry Hyatt

            There once was a very nice guy. So nice was he, that his niceness could be calculated, manipulated, and used for devious means.

            Each day on his way home from work a man would stop him and ask for help. And, each day the guy would take the extra time to the point of getting home late. He couldn’t, in his heart, resist. But, unbeknownst to him it was twins taking turns, keeping him from going home so the other could spend time with his wife.

            This went on for fourteen days because after two weeks the twins thought it would be smart to use disguises. They surmised that no one is so extremely nice that they would stop and help the same man every day for two weeks. It worked. The nice guy continued to help and would always get home about an hour late to his wife.

            On the twenty-first day, disguised as someone else, one of the twins lost his fake mustache that was attached to his face. He then became angry at the nice guy because he knew that he’d been caught. "You are stupid! You are an idiot! Why would you let us make a fool out of you?"
             
            “I have to be nice. It is my nature,” said the guy.  “It’s who I am and I can’t resist.”

            “I've never heard of such a thing," said the Twin. "You are absolutely the nicest man I know. I had no idea someone in this devious world could be that loving.”

             “I can’t help myself. I am compelled to do what people ask,” said the nice guy. “But now I must answer your question. I figured out the scheme when you two started wearing the disguises and told my twin brother. For a week now, he's been banging both of your wives.”

Larry's Latest Laughs #168

Three things I discovered on a Carnival Cruise.
* I wish everyone in everyday life treated me like the staff did.
* Without cell phone service, people walk with their head upright and teenagers will actually laugh with you.
* There is no shame on the Lido Deck. It's Walmart in a swimsuit.

Yesterday was National Lazy Day so today we're giving out the prizes.
You know you're being lazy when you push the garbage down with your hand for the 5th time.

A mutant 'Super Lice' outbreak is spreading and parents are being warned for the back to school season. Officials claim they are easy to find. There's just one and it covers the entire head.

Today is Watermelon Day!
Stay in a good frame of rind.

Mercedes-Benz now has a self driving bus. A nice way to get to your low paying job.

Geologists in Sweden have found what they call the first-ever “extinct” meteorites buried within a 470-million-year old limestone slab. They’re calling them Abba-Dabba-Doom-Rocks.

A 94-year-old man from Indiana is now the oldest person to ever earn a sixth degree black belt. When asked how he felt, he said, “Karate? I thought they said Karaoke!"

Scientists unearthed a trove of 700-year-old stone tools used by monkeys... all monkey wrenches

A South California man was arrested after his dog tested positive for Meth. The tip off was when the dog "did" everybody's homework.

I don't have a problem with police robots. Use sponsor logos like NASCAR...Ford, Goodyear, Krispy Kreme.

Today is World Population Day!
Moms and Dads did it.

PBS has apologized for last night's Fourth of July broadcast that used previous years’ fireworks footage. I thought I noticed the outdated “oohs” and “ahhs.”

The 'Clock boy' Ahmed Mohamed, the boy who made the homemade clock that school officials said looked like a bomb, returned to Texas. He said he wants to join the Neighborhood Watch Program.

Parts of a mutilated body washed up on the sands of Copacabana Beach in Rio, Wednesday, police said, "His name was Rico. He wore a diamond."

Today is Camera Day!
If you take a picture of cheese, tell it to say Velveeta.
A Texas woman woke up with a British accent after jaw surgery. Doctors say it's a rare disorder called Receptive-Schizoid-Bipolar-Madonna Speech.

Today is National French Fries Day!
"The skin must peel before the potato can fry."
-Alfred Lord Cooking Oil

I drove the Country Cruiser in the parade yesterday.
Little Boy: Hey! Are there any floats back there?
Me: Yeah! They're coming!
Little Boy: Are they throwing firecrackers?
The little kid might be on to something.

Father's Day I honored my dad. I let my kid leave the front door open so I could air-condition the neighborhood.

Larry's Latest Laughs #610

 Last night I had a dream. I fell into a gorilla enclosure and they couldn't decide who to shoot.

A heart transplant patient, for 17 months, carried his heart around in a backpack. Through the marriage my ex-wife carried hers in an ice-chest.

A bicycle theft in a Walmart parking lot was foiled when a cattle rancher on horseback chased the thief down and lassoed him. An eye witness said the cowboy hog tied the guy’s legs, raised his hands, and yelled “Schwinn.”

Tomorrow, Wicca, the religious cult of modern witchcraft will call attention to 6-6-16. To protect myself I'm going to spend the day in one of their baskets.

Donald Trump has narrowed the VP field down to five. On the short list...Chewbacca Mom.

Another Disney worker went on a booze-fueled rampage. They're now going to make them get in line to do that.

PGA Tour golfer pulled out of a tournament because of "incredible anxiety." Like the time I stepped up to make a shot and the ducks in the park put on crash helmets.

In Wales, a group of sheep went on a rampage after ingesting cannabis. I guess it was a "Baaad" trip.

Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of Greek philosopher Aristotle. Written on the wall was his last great quote... "Life Sucks - Then You Die."

 

Larry's Latest Laughs #516

Congratulations to the lovely couple. I just heard Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his girlfriend had a new baby buoy.

Iran has accused Kim Kardashian of being a secret agent to bring down their culture. Her code name is "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk."

Astrological eating will be the next big food fad. People who have tried the diet say Centaurs taste a lot like chicken.

This morning on C-96.7, we'll talk about a guy in Ireland who swallowed his cell phone. I'll let you know how it worked out.

Happy Accounting Day!
I once received a love poem from an accountant. It started, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways."

A small robot doctor, in a pill, can be swallowed and sent on medical missions in the body. The mission is not over till the paper work is done.

Morley Safer is retiring from CBS after 46 years. He said his retirement will come in intervals of sixty minutes.

Today is Windmill Day! Thinking about it makes my head spin.

Ozzy and Sharon Osborne are getting a divorce. Sharon asked for privacy. Ozzy asked for something too, but no one can figure out what he said.

Happy Museum Day!
Tonight have double the fun. See "Night at the Museum" tonight at the museum.

Larry's Latest Laughs #425

Oldest dog in the world dies at 30. The old dog finally learned a new trick, "Stay!"

Happy Earth Day!
Wind farms are in my future. I'm a big fan.

Sophisticated criminals in California are posing as truck drivers to steal large quantities of walnuts. Police think they have the ringleader...Mr. Peanut.

Today is High Five Day!
Low Fives, Giving Skin, and Fist Bumps may resume tomorrow.

Shocking and sad news. What's the symbol for dead?

The Beverly Hills City Council voted this week to adopt a resolution to develop driverless vehicles. Who's going to ask if you have any Grey Poupon?

The new Smart mattress lets you know if your partner is cheating. You can also hook it to your Smart phone and it calls a lawyer.

Today is Tell a Lie Day!
But I can't.
I like big trucks and I can not lie.

MEMBER OF THE WEEK (MOW) FO!

4/2/16 – 4/8/16: MEMBER OF THE WEEK (MOW)

What a week it has been!  The Rave Reviews Book Club is a group of writers and readers that support each other. There are no airs in this group, just many like you who enjoy the written word and the success of others who share the passion. Thank you Rave Reviews Book Club for the chance to be a part of a great writing community.

Become a part.

https://ravereviewsbynonniejules.wordpress.com/

Our MEMBER OF THE WEEK is LARRY HYATT (@HyhattLarry), Author of "HOW TO REACH FOR THE AMERICAN DREAM...(AND NOT GET IT!)" http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FSKCGTU .
He's also a proud member, because his Twitter bio proudly displays our club's call letters, #RRBC. ​Let's support Larry as he supports us! Let's all run out and grab a copy of his book.
Please #Follow Larry on social media if you aren't already.

As MOW, Larry will get to choose a FREE book from the Kathryn C. Treat Book Giveaway Treasure Chest!

Let's support Larry in grand fashion by first and foremost FOLLOWING him on Twitter, re-tweeting his tweets, and most of all picking up a copy of his book. And after you check out his work, how about letting him know what you thought of it by leaving an HONEST review!
CONGRATS, @HyhattLarry! Enjoy your #RRBC shine this week! You deserve it!

Larry's Latest Laughs #416

Duck Dynasty' star Willie Roberston will join Fox News as a contributor. He's expected to wing it.

I told my wife it was Poison Awareness Week so she asked me not to cook.

The wife and I had Easter dinner at Golden Corral with two of the grand kids. Asked her why she kept making trips to get us all desserts. She said to add steps to her Fitbit.

A 100-year-old woman was booted from her California home for disrupting the neighborhood. Her mother said she just doesn't know what to do with her.

 A 78 year old weightlifting grandmother from Illinois can dead lift 225 pounds. When asked what grip she uses she said, "POLIGRIP."

Surgeons saved a Brazilian man's hand from amputation by sewing it into his belly. Now save Trump from putting his foot in his mouth. 

Dozens of cases of Burger King 'Whopper' patties were stolen from a delivery truck...After seeing what they had the robbers took the patties out and ate the box.

Three new crew members have joined the International Space Station, including a US grandfather. NASA is moving dinner up to 4pm.

Happy Chocolate Covered Raisin Day!
Give me a raisin to love it.

A puppy frozen in time for 12,400 years was thawed by scientists. In remarkable footage he is separated from a 12,400 year old fire hydrant.

Larry's Latest Laugh #316

Chumlee from 'Pawn Stars' was arrested  in Vegas for a felony weapon and drug charge. While he was being booked Rick called in an expert to see if it was real.

Bernie Sanders won a major ruling allowing 17 year olds to vote in the Ohio Primary... Two thirds texted in votes for Kim Kardashian.

Scientists are growing a dinosaur leg on a chicken in a bizarre experiment of reverse evolution. "I'm trying to perfect a colossal drumstick," said Colonel Frankin Sanders.

Nat Geo star "Dog Whisperer" Cesar Millan was arrested for cruelty to animals. What on Earth was he telling them?

An extremely rare case of twins born with different fathers have been reported after a DNA test was ordered. I think mom has some explaining to do.

Federal authorizes are investigating the deaths of 13 bald eagles discovered Saturday. Glenn Frey had all his hair, huh?

A mysterious radio burst has been pinpointed in a distant galaxy...Critics are telling me to apply for a job.

Larry's Latest Laughs #216

Science and Superheros: how close are we to creating real superpowers? Close, my wife tells me she knows what I'm thinking before I do.

I'd like to thank the Facebook friends who shared their friendship videos. I found four people who owe me money.

The German Short Haired Pointer won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show. When asked how it felt out there, the dog replied, "Ruff."

Happy Almond Day! You can pronounce it with or without the "L". It's nuts.

An exorcist claims that "beautiful women" are more likely to be possessed by demons. He went on to say, "But don't get me wrong, other women can be, too. I just don't care."

Thousands of blacktip sharks are gathering off the coast of Florida. The presidential primaries are in Florida next month, coincidence?

In a dream my room was dark and a weird man in a moustache was sneaking up on me to suffocate me with my pillow. Fearfully I struggled. I fought him off and awoke screaming, "Damn you Mike Lindell!."

Happy Mailman Day! Thank him for the forever stamps, as long as they last.

The worlds most advanced robot piano can now play any song ever recorded. Music lovers everywhere rejoiced when it refused to play Nickelback.

and finally,

North Korea yet again defied UN resolutions and fired another rocket causing outrage from its members. They issued this statement:
"We're Morally, Ethically,
Spiritually, Physically,
Undeniably and reliably outraged.
And as head of the UN I must aver, I thoroughly examined it.
And we're not only merely outraged, we're really most sincerely outraged."

Larry's Latest Laughs 206

A dangerous strain of dog flu is sweeping the country. Veterinarians are telling patients to, "Catch two Frisbees and call me in the morning."

Scientists say robots will be controlling my life in the very near future. They might want to tell my wife.

A man from England who loved sea salt died of a sodium overdose. Assaulted by sodium, go figure.

Scientists are now saying animals workout just like humans to stay fit. What ticks me off is the turtles hogging the treadmills.

A 23 year old woman in South Carolina bit off the finger of a Walmart clerk because she tried to stop her from shoplifting. When asked about the incident, the clerk said,  "I should have taken that job in the second hand store.”

 

It's going to be cold.

                          

NFL officials say today's playoff game in Minnesota will be so cold the teams will use specially designed underwear... It's got a special place to keep their ego.

Go Figure

Just got into an argument with my wife over the 500 million dollar lottery and what we'd do if we won. Couples fight over what to do with their money. We fight over what to do with the money we don't even have.

2015 in Review

By: Larry Hyatt

2015 was a hell of a year.
For some it started great.
Not so much for Tom Brady.
Remember deflate-gate?

Pistorius found guilty,

South Africans were pumped.
The Blade Runner couldn’t believe it.
He said, “I’m really stumped.”

Playboy cancelled naked girls,

Natgeo sales, fantastic.
Young boys will keep their big eye full
But will surely miss the plastic.

Bruce is Caitlyn. Caitlyn is Bruce.

Kylie and Kendall now feel bolder.
They’ll  “Go girl” with their dad, you’ll see,
And look like him when older.

Josh Dugger took a fall from grace,

The sisters picked up his slack.
They’ll have more kids than mom and dad
If they don’t stay off their back.

Cecil the Lion was struck down.

The whole world felt the loss.
I guarantee I’ll heed the warning
When my dentist says to floss.

McDonald’s started late night breakfast,

Subway and Jared, no longer one.
Blue Bell is finally back on the shelf
After giving some the runs.

B.B. King, Scott Weiland,

Jackie Collins could not escape.

Leonard Nimoy thought it quite illogical,
Yogi Berra, “slud” through the Pearly Gates.

The world is much divided.

No black or white, it’s gray.
Trump is even on the stump,
Hill and Bill not going away.

Whatever happens in 2016,

It'll be good and bad you know.
So except it, tell it, “I am here,”
And sing it Adele’s “Hello.”